My Life Is A Mess

Part Four - Hungover As Hell

Do you ever wish you didn't wake up? That was me this morning. I nearly drank myself to death last night and now... now I feel awful. Oh, and I have school. I have my last psychology lesson ever and I can't miss that so I've got to go into school, hungover as hell, and sit through a day of loud lessons. I couldn't think of anything worse.

I got in early so I avoided all the crowds of kids that'd come in to the secondary school joined to the college and found myself a nice, quiet spot upstairs for me to try and get rid of my awful headache. Then other people arrived. It got noisier and noisier and the headache that I'd managed to get rid of, partially, came right back. It wasn't too long before Patrick and Eddy joined me though and then we were all suffering together.

Once they were sat with me, struggling through the noise, I knew I had one goal: find out if they remember me telling them I have a crush on Olivia.

I was smooth about it. I didn't make it obvious. I was covert and subtle with my questions. Sure, I was on limited time as there was only 4 minutes until Period One but that was irrelevant right now. I needed to know what they remembered.

"Hey, so do you guys remember whether I told you anything last night? Any secrets... or like people I like, maybe?" Like I said: smooth. They had no idea.

I felt the heat in my cheeks and knew I was blushing. They probably had some idea at this point.

"Secrets? Nope. I don't remember any." Eddy shrugged, "But, then again, I don't remember much after that dude hit me. I think I might have gotten a concussion." Me and Patrick both shared the same concerned look at Eddy, and suggested he should probably get himself checked out, before Patrick went next and responded to my question. "I mean, I vaguely remember some stuff being said but I don't remember any specifics or what it was about. Why?"

"No reason. I can just be prone to lying sometimes when I get drunk so I wanted to set the record straight if I did say anything." Patrick and Eddy both flashed reassuring smile at me. They bought it. I'm safe. Thank god.

Psychology wasn't too bad. It was empty, which sucked, but it wasn't bad. I'm actually gonna miss it. I won't lie. Even though, somewhere in the middle, I absolutely hated it and wanted to drop it... I'm gonna really miss it. It's really only just dawned on me how this is the end of not just the last 2 years but also the last 7. It's weird. I've never had to really do this before. When I did it in primary school, I was 11. I didn't care that much. Now I'm 18. I'll admit: I have feelings, and wierdly enough I kinda like school. I never thought, in my 14 years of school, that I'd miss it when I was done. I'm beginning to realise now though that I am going to. It's not just my friends that I'll miss. It's the buildings; it's the classrooms; it's the teachers. All of it. It's been my life for the past 7 years. Now it's coming to an end. That's just a little hard to get my head round.

Thankfully, as I got to the college building again, I was greeted by a very big distraction: Olivia. She was stood with Patrick and Eddy, and she was waiting for me. I knew the second I saw her. She had that same disinterested look she always does when she's waiting for something, and since she was with Patrick and Eddy, I knew I was that something this time.

"Sam!" That voice always makes me smile. It doesn't matter when I hear it or how rubbish my day has been... always makes me smile. "Hey, can we talk?" I froze for a second before responding, "Erm, yeah, sure?" Definitely not my smoothest response but it was fine. "Wait, are you hungover?" I froze again. This time I had a legitimate reason. Was it that obvious? "I might be. Why?" Olivia smiled.
"I'm just surprised you went drinking last night." I shrugged. I knew if I spoke I'd slip up and tell her the reason why we were drinking. "Anyway, can we talk? I need some advice."
"Of course, what's happened?"
"Luke asked me on a date. I need you to help me pick out what to wear." I chuckled. I have the worst fashion sense in the history of mankind. "You want me to choose?"

"Well, not exactly. I want you to tell me which of the three outfits I have ready is the best." There it was. That makes so much more sense. "Sure. Why not?"

He waited for me to finish speaking to Olivia and for her to leave before he pulled me aside. "I remember." Patrick's words caught me off guard. I just looked at him blankly then slowly smiled. "Remember what?"
"You like her." I tried to play it dumb. I tried to use his own logic from last night but I knew I'd been caught out. "Yeah, course I do. We're best friends. Wouldn't really work if I hated her."
"No, I mean like like-like her."
"That was way too many likes for me in one sentence. Say it again in simpler terms, please." I tried to buy myself some time.

"You have a crush on Olivia."

I've been caught. No escape. No way out.

"Fine. Okay, yes. I do." I whispered. I didn't want anyone else to hear. I wanted this to stay as secret as possible. "How come you remember now?"

"Seeing you two talk, it's actually really obvious." I sighed and bit my top lip briefly in mild frustration. "So are you going to ask her out?" I stayed silent as Patrick looked at me.

"No. No, I don't think I am." Even though I said this, I wasn't covinced. I was still trying to figure all of it how. I was still trying to figure out whether it was worth the risk.

The rest of the day was nothing special. I had English and then an early finish, which, coincidentally, Patrick had to. We walked home together, despite him living nowhere near me, and talked as we did. It started with us talking about our upcoming Star Wars rewatch we had planned with Olivia to show her the films for the first time and from there we slowly ended up talking about my crush on her and what I was going to do about it. He's really good at segues, Patrick. Like annoyingly good. He'll catch you off guard with it.

"Why aren't you going to tell Liv? Surely it's better for you to say and then be able to move on?" He put across a good point, but I'd thought about this a lot – and I mean a lot – so I had my reasons. "I'm just gonna try and move past it. I mean, look, it'll never work between us. I'm staying here, she's moving to Aberdeen. I'm introverted as hell and, well, she goes out every week and drinks and smokes and makes out with random people. Not to mention the whole Luke situation."

"Luke? Who's that?"
"Her boyfriend." I could've sworn he knew but I guess not. "She isn't really the same person she was two years ago when I started liking her. I still like her... but, I don't know, if it's different now."

"Well, no kidding she's changed. So have you. Two years ago you wouldn't have done a mini pub crawl before a school day. Two years ago you wouldn't have even considered telling someone how you feel. You're still introverted as hell – yes – but you're so much more extroverted than you were. You've changed, for the better. Sure, you might not be as extroverted as her but who knows? She might settle down if she's with someone like you. As for the whole distance thing: I've seen it work before. The only real problem I see is Luke. I didn't know about him. He's pretty much the only obstacle for you." I sighed again.

"He makes her happy though. So, it's all good."
"Yeah, for her it is. But it makes you miserable."
"Which is why I need to move on."
"No, it's why you need to make a move on her, to steal her from him." I looked at Patrick at this point with a completely bewildered expression. He didn't always have the best judgement but even he couldn't seriously think that was a good idea. "No. What? No. I'm not doing that. I don't even know if I could be a good boyfriend for her. Or anyone really." It sucks but it's true. It's been 4 years since I last dated and that ended so poorly that ever since I've kinda been shaken up. I don't know whether I'm good enough for anyone now. Patrick reassured me I was but I still felt the same. It's hard to move past a thought like that, you know? It's tough regaining self esteem and belief. But I guess I needed to. That's the only way I'm gonna succeed with Olivia if... when I tell her how I feel.