My Life Is A Mess

Part Eight - A Confession

It was over. I wasn't a college student anymore. I was now in that awkward transition between stages in life. I was about to be a uni student. I was about to say goodbye to my friends... That's the second hit. The second one was much worse. I bit my bottom lip as I smiled. It was an attempt to keep the tears back but it didn't work. There I was, standing outside the gates, with my friends. Me and Patrick stood in the exact same spot we first met and shared smiles. "So, guess I'll see you at Prom then?" I smiled but I couldn't hide the tears in my eyes.
"Yeah, but we'll play games and go out and stuff over summer before that." I nodded. I hope he meant that because he's now the oldest friend I have and I don't think I could even get close to replacing him. "Good. Yeah, just let me know when and where, how much it'll cost me, and I'll be there."

In our 7 years as friends, not once have we hugged. We broke that streak today. It was nice, I won't lie. I'm gonna miss him. I'm gonna miss him a lot. Maybe even the most.

As we stepped back, the tears were coming down my face in full force. "I love you, mate." That was the first time I'd ever said that. I'd say that for the last two years I've felt a familial love for my close friends, but I've never told them. It just felt right to say it now. "I love you too, dude." He began to tear up and I just chuckled. Here we were, in the spots we first saw each other, crying after telling each other how we felt. What a way to end these last 7 years.

Me and Eddy, and James, all just said goodbye. I know I'll keep in touch with them for a while but I don't know whether we'll stay as close as we have been. I hate to admit it but I see them fading from my life in the future. I hope they don't because they've both been there for me when I desperately needed them but... sometimes, life can just be like that. One minute you're incredibly close with someone and the next they're just a happy memory.

Everyone had gone at this point. I was stood alone, in front of the gates, when Olivia came over. She has another friend group so she said goodbye to them first. Now it was our turn. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I felt my cheeks blush, like they always did around her. Time felt slower as she smiled and walked towards me. She looked gorgeous, even though she'd clearly just cried her eyes out. That didn't matter to me. Nothing did at this point. I saw her coming closer and I knew, finally, what I had to do. I had to tell her. I couldn't keep it quiet anymore. I think this is the closest to love anyone can feel without actually being sure they're in love.

"Hey, Sam." Her voice. It makes me smile now, it made me smile then.
"Hey, Liv. You alright?" I chuckled slightly at the end. Despite what I said about her being gorgeous, because she was, it did look a little like she was a racoon with her dark, messed up makeup around her eyes. She smiled at me, "Yeah. I guess so."
"Patrick's speech get you?"
"That was just the cherry on top, really. Luke broke up with me last night. Then today it's just been a lot." I didn't know what to say. Was this the best time to tell her how I felt, or was it the worst? Perfect timing or too soon? I really didn't know. I still don't. But I did what I did. "Aw, Liv... you alright?" I opened my arms and gave her a hug. I put aside my feelings and I cared for her like any friend would. She cried in my arms as we hugged. "I don't want to say goodbye." I heard her sniffle. I smiled as I rested my head on hers, our arms wrapped around each other. "Then don't. Who says you need to say goodbye to anyone? I'm not." She looked up, confused by what I meant. Today was the day we were all meant to say goodbye. "What'd you mean?"

"You don't have to say goodbye. I haven't. I didn't say it to Patrick. I didn't say it to Eddy or James. I just said see you later. It's so much less definitive. It leaves room for you to say hello again." Olivia chuckled and I smiled at her. I never noticed the green in her blue eyes. It's really pretty. She's... she's really pretty. "I like you."

Oh no.

I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to tell her. I- dammit. I just meant to be her friend and support her.

But... I guess, I did mean it. I did like her. I liked her a lot. I smiled. I chuckled, nervously. "I like you, Liv. I really do. You're great." Olivia didn't respond. She just kept hugging me and holding her head against my chest.

We swayed gently. I don't know if we were matching the breeze or simply doing a light dance but it felt right. "I know." She finally responded. "It was pretty obvious."
"It was?"
"Yeah. I knew a while ago." If she knew but didn't say anything, how does she feel about me? "I just never really felt the same. I'm sorry." That's how.

I felt my face get warmer as we continued to hug and slowly sway. "It's okay." I spoke quietly: softly. "I just wanted to say something. Now felt like a good time."
"Now was definitely a good time." I didn't know if that meant she was feeling different now or whether I just picked a time she wasn't annoyed at me. I didn't ask for clarification either, so I'll never know. "Friends?" She looked up at me again. I wanted to be more than friends. I wanted that so badly. At least, that's what I thought. Looking into her eyes in that moment, looking at her stunning, perfect smile... I knew it didn't matter what she was to me. I just wanted her in my life. If that meant we stayed as friends then that was perfectly fine by me. I realised that now. "Best friends." I smiled back. She laughed and squeezed tighter briefly before finally letting go.

I watched her walk away. I watched until she was out of sight. All the time, I had a smile on my face. I'd just been rejected... and I was smiling. I was happy, even. I don't get it either but that's the way it went. I told my best friend I loved her, she rejected me, and I was happy. What a mess of a life I live.