The Colt & The Cobra - THE SPECTER SERIES [book six]

Chapter FORTY ONE

Colt Knox

She doesn't speak, doesn't say a word in reply to my fumbled profession of love.. Instead, Mikki just keeps watching me with those stunning and scrutinising sea-green eyes, suspicious and uncertain..

The room is so quiet I can hear the sound of her startled inhale and the anticipating thud of my own pounding pulse..

The roaring silence is unbearable, uncomfortably tense. I can't stand it, so I break it.. "Sugar? Would ya put me out of my misery here?"

She nods thoughtfully, taking a small, determined step towards me and steeling herself.. "Charlie used to say to me, 'people don't tell you who they really are.. They show you'.. I always thought there was some kind of truth to it, but--"

She blinks up at me, scrutinising and harsh.. "You haven't done either.. I don't think you know how.. And for that, I feel sorry for you.. Because even I can't imagine a lonelier existence.."

"Aw, fuck me.." I breathe as her words cut through me, razor sharp and laced with a toxic truth..

With fatigue wearing on her delicate features, she reaches up to rub at her temples, as if trying to press any thoughts of me right out of her head.. "But I'm too tired.. I'm tired of this.. I just don't have the energy it takes to believe you.. Believing that somebody loves you shouldn't be hard.. It shouldn't feel like this.. It should be as easy as breathing.. Nothing between us has been easy, has it?.. No.. When you say those words, Colt, what I feel-- is exhausted."

I had expected her to hold me in contempt and still, its fucking agony.. Worse than a kick in the guts or getting thrown from the saddle.. Worse than taking a bullet for the first time..

The sinking in the pit of my stomach and the stab in my chest amplify to choke me.. I didn't know anything could hurt this much.. I didn't think my heart would actually feel broken.. But it does.

I refuse to let her see that pain, disguising my weakness with cold indifference.. I don't want her guilt or pity, I don't want anything other than what I can't have..

All I can do is accept the consequences and take ownership of my actions.. That was always the plan.. Her hating me..

I always knew this result would be awaiting us at the end, I feel stupid for letting my feelings for her blind me, I had cheated myself into suffering in all the ways I'd been determined to avoid since Savannah dissappeared..

Because that's what happens when people care about me..

Adeline, Josette, Savannah.. They loved me and I lost them all.. Hell, even Juliette is sure to wake up one day and see it..

I ain't never been no good.. I ain't never gonna be.. And I had proven it.. To her.. To myself..

Mikki deserves a better future.. A better man.. Better than I'll ever be capable of being..

Still I can't fucking control it.. I can't turn it off or ignore the way I feel about her.. I fucking love her.
Seeing the tears in her eyes now and the unmistakable unhappiness in them, it tears me apart..

"I understand.... I didn't come here to make you cry.. 'N I sure as shit don't wanna make it no worse, I'll leave ya be, Sweetness.." I turn to cut out, needing to remove myself before the cracks in my unaffected facade begin to show..

But she isn't done twisting the knife just yet..

"Don't you want to know the best part, Cowboy? You know, before you leave me here, in this fucking psych-ward, - thankyou very much for that by the way.." She adds with soft sarcasm before I can escape..