SAVING KYLE: A lost angle

Because I love you

   Time passed, but nothing seems to be the same. He seems calmer but that's it. We still say I love, share emojis but I can help feel there is a problem. I asked if he's okay and he always says yes. Should I believe it? Am I being too naive? I don't know, I guess I can just hope. We still call and he seems normal. Still the same cute voice I fall in love with every time. I ask him again "Are you sure you okay?" he answers yes, so what can I do. I had to believe him because I wanted it so bad.
I accepted there wasn't anything I could do besides love him. We began talking about the future again, and when we'd get to live together, and how we would never be apart anymore. He would never feel lonely again. Just hearing it from him was amazing. Every little thing pulled me more and more in, and I wasn't afraid.

Sometimes I felt like he was a drug and I was most definitely addicted. I accepted that though. I knew I wouldn't change and I decided it was okay. He is the reason I lived, although I hated life. I lived for him. His love kept me alive. So maybe I'm just addicted to life.

Some days he would try and confuse me. He'd say "I can go if you want". I didn't understand why he was trying to convince me to let him go, I could never do that because I loved him. He told me he had already lost hope. It's been 3 years and we still couldn't live together. He said nothing changed he still couldn't have me, and I hated to hear the truth like this. We didn't have money to move away or to get a house. We were hopeless, the world tried its best to keep us apart in pain. We tried to stay strong because at least we had our love, but that didn't stop the struggles. He often tries to leave me saying it's for the best because he loves me. I knew that wasn't true. He would always try his best to make me happy and I always tried to be. Life has given us hell to live in and it was sometimes impossible to fake a smile even for him, but I tried. People say life is for the living, but I had always felt dead inside. Maybe that saying isn't always true. Maybe this specific life was never meant to be lived. All I feel is tortured, let down, mistreated. Why do I have to live like this? Why do we have to live life this? If living is painful why keep us hostage, locked up, lost in a dark maze that we could never escape. Endless pain, and endless tears.

I convinced him to stay and he did. He never had arguments with me anymore. It's like he accepted life as is, I didn't know whether to be happy or worried. He started acting happy again like he used to be. We'd send lots of pictures and funny messages. We even started sending cute emojis again, I was so happy that he was happy, I felt a bit crazy. I was the best day of my life, just witnessing his happiness. We talked like this for weeks and no problems. I was finally convinced he was happy now. We started calling normally again, It was like old times when there were no struggles. Then one day he stopped texting. I didn't know if it was something I did, but I could think of the worst. I tried to contact him through another social application and he got back to me a week later. He said his phone had broken and he couldn't talk for a while. I didn't like that we couldn't talk but I was happy it was a phone problem. We talked for a while until he had to go and that was it.

I waited for him ever since that day, but nothing. Months had passed and I haven't heard anything from him. The only thing that kept me going was knowing he would be back soon. I was able to live my life without worrying this time. There was nothing to be scared of. However, he just broke his phone right? I often thought of him and tried to contact him but I knew there was no point. On bad days I would look at our old messages and that helped me feel close to him when he was away and looking at his photos helped a lot too. I really missed him and often thought of what he would be doing right now. That sometimes trigger me to be more impatient then usual but, I took a leap of faith and waited for his arrival.