SAVING KYLE: A lost angle

Empty Promissed

                Kyle was convinced everyone hated him. His parents, his teacher, and his (friends). Just say one negative thing about him and it was over. He told me very often that his parents didn't like him. I didn't understand. Was it miscommunication, or did they actually feel that way. I tried to tell him as much as possible that I loved him, but soon he just couldn't handle the pain. He tried to convince himself that I didn't care about him so he could officially be alone, but I couldn't let that happen. He didn't know this but I understood him more then anyone. I knew that if he was gone out of my life I wouldn't be able to handle it either. 

I begged and pled that he stopped this immediately. But he was already convinced I was better off without him. I thought I was going to explode, my heart was bursting out of my chest. I felt I was going to have a heart attack right there and then. That's when he did it again. He cut. I couldn't handle this much pain i didn't know what to do. I would try to call him just to make sure he wasn't doing anything dangerous. If I could I stayed on the phone with him all day and waited while he rested. I got him to calm down for a couple of days, and that's when he decided.

He told me he had to go. He had to leave me because he loved me too much to have me share his pain. He didn't want me to harm myself anymore because of him. We cried talking about it all night, and I tried to convince him to stay because I needed him but nothing changed his mind. I was devastated. My pain wasn't because of him my pain was for him. Everyday I hear something bad about his day at school or him feeling unworthy of life was my pain. Thinking of him having to be in pain alone was my worst fear.

I always thought if I, or my sister hadn't been the only ones in the world that cared about him would things be different? Or if his family showed him how much they loved him would he have had a different life. Most of all, i thought if my love was enough would he have been okay? All the thoughts was killing me slowly. It was my fault. I put him high above all knowing it's dangerous. I gave myself the responsibility of another life knowing anything he do is out of my hands. I know what I signed up for and I planned to stick with it. I hated that he was making a decision that would changed my life without my permission. I didn't want him to go, I wanted him here with me.
I wanted to feel his pain with him. I wanted to cry with him. He took that away from me. I didn't blame him, actually I blamed everyone around him. I blamed his teachers, I blamed his family, I blamed his classmates, I even blamed god. I was furious, I would think why? Why would you do this to him? He's never done anything wrong to deserve this.

2 months later Kyle contacted me. He blocked me on every outlet so I had nothing to do but wait. He talked pretty casually like he was afraid to act normal. I was angry with him for breaking my heart but I couldn't stay like that forever. He just wanted to check-in. I could tell he didn't leave for pleasure he seemed miserable still. He told me how much he missed me and I did the same. I have thought of him everyday, there was nothing that didn't remind me of him.

After talking for a few hours he said he loved me, then quickly apologized for it. I understood his worries, I told him it was okay. For the second time I told him I will never stop loving him. He and me are forever, there is no force that can keep me from loving him. He cried. He hadn't known after so long I still even cared about him. I called him to explain. I apologized For any time I may have made him think that I didn't love him, gave him a hard time, or was mad at him. I know these are normal for a relationship, but I knew how much suffering he's had. I didn't want to do anything to add to his pain.

Honestly I could never be mad at him, he was the love that keeps me living, the heart that keeps my blood pumping. Everything I did was for him. It may seem crazy but I knew no matter what I have been given the responsibility to take care of him. There was nothing he could do to scare me off, and he finally knew that.

    We talked about me for the last few days. He wanted to know how I was doing in the months he was gone. I told him how I died. I couldn't live without him, he had my heart and left me empty. I cried most days. My family never noticed when I was upset, but I was okay with that. I wasn't into people crowding me asking me am I okay. That would have made me blow up. I thought of all the worst like death. I was obsessed with knowing if he was okay I went crazy. Not knowing was the worst pain I ever experienced in my life.

I searched through the news daily, but nothing came up and that kept me sane, but I didn't tell him that.  I felt embarrassed for being so paranoid, even though he gave me a reason to worry. After talking about it he understood that I wasn't going anywhere. He knew that I couldn't live without him, I think that scared him more than anything.