SAVING KYLE: A lost angle

What Will I do Without You?

      Life without him has been tough. I get depressed often, but I try hard to be happy for him. I know that's all he wanted for me, but I missed him. Being apart shows me how much I love him. I think of him every day. There are only a few harder times where I feel like I need him now. I'm starting to feel like an outsider to my family again, no one notices so that's good. I wish I could talk to him about this, he always knew what to say to make me feel better.
One day I just couldn't handle it. I felt so sad I knew I had to try to contact him somehow. I checked his social media, he still hasn't been active since we last talked. I started thinking and searched for his name on the internet. On the place that usually came up blank stated: Kyle has passed away...

I could believe my eyes. I started to panic. My body stood stiff in place as I felt my heart stop. My head was spinning in circles, I felt as I was dying. I couldn't think properly. It was like my worst nightmare coming to life. After starting at the screen for a while I kept searching. I thought to myself  "It's not him, it can just be a quinoa dent". But I knew it were true. I had already cried after seeing his name twice. I kept searching until I found a picture of my Kyle posted on a website, even then I still couldn't believe it. The picture was much younger but there was no denying his Perfect blue eyes, and bright orange curls. I was in denial.

I contacted his family and that's when I knew. He was really gone. I didn't know what to do, I just couldn't stop crying. I tried calling him, but someone else answered. I text but no reply. Was this it?  I had felt my life crashing right before my eyes, and this time there was nothing I could do to stop it. 

   I read the article, over, and over and I died ever time I read about it, even more when I look at our memories. I hate myself for ignoring he signs, all the times I thought of him was it because of this. Could I have saved him? I lied to him, I told him his suffering will end and he will live a better life in the future, I told him he will not die alone. The guilt is eating me up inside. I was the most important person to him and I couldn't save him, I don't deserve to live and I don't want to. I want to die everytime I opened my eyes. I can't stop the dead feeling I have inside or the depression coming in so fast. I feel as I'm drowning in and no one can ever save me, because he's gone. My life is gone. I'm empty, and broken. Forever. When I thought life was done torturing me, I finally know it was me that was sentenced to lifelong torment.

I read our old messages, looking for ways I could have saved him. I hate myself every day and people around me make it worse. I look at all the mistakes I've made when he was here, and all the signs I missed. If I would just have seen him that night. Or contacted him sooner. I could have saved him.

His birthday is coming. Our birthdays are in the same months, July 3rd and 30th. They even have the same number. What will I do. How can I go on like this. I cry for him everyday, because I know I will never see him ever again. My angel....was gone. My heart was gone, and the only thing I left with are tears and memories of empty promises. I blamed everyone in the world for his pain and suffering , but In the end who let him get away.  Everyone slowly drifted away,  and I was the only one left to blame.