My Life Is A Bigger Mess Now

Part Four - Why So Scared?

So... Yeah, Anna might be pregnant. I might be a dad soon. That's a lot of mights, but there's one thing I know for sure: I need to know. I can't deal with mights and maybes. It's killing me. Not literally but still. I really can't handle this, and what do I do when I can't handle something or stress out about something? I overreact.

"Hey, Patrick. You free today? I need some help with... something." Anna was getting changed just in the bathroom to the left of her bed. Her room is an en-suite, which is cool. Anyway, I needed to be pretty sneaky about all this. "Yeah, today's my day off. What'd you need?"

"I'll text you a list. Just meet me at Anna's." I whispered, not wanting her to hear and I think I succeeded. I put the phone down just seconds before she came out of the bathroom. "Hey, babe." I smiled at her. She looked stunning. More so than usual. I don't know whether it was the idea of her potentially baring my child or simply because she was just more attractive than usual. Either way, she was gorgeous and I let her know. "Aww thanks." She continued about her morning routine, with a smile on her face, as she got ready for work. She was a primary school teacher, so she was up and ready pretty damn early.

She blew me a kiss then closed the door behind her. One, two, three, four... five. Okay, she was now out of earshot. Her apartment building has some pretty thin walls. It was time to get the plan in action. Patrick would be here in a couple of minutes so I figured I'd best get presentable. Oh, and maybe put some pants on too.

Ten minutes later and I opened the door to a confused Patrick. In his right hand was an unbranded plastic bag. "What the hell are you planning on doing with these?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I took the bag from his hand. He was more than happy to let go. "No, not really. I mean, you're a guy. They're not going to tell you anything." He paused, "Well, actually, they can tell you if you have cancer but still." I didn't know that, but that also wasn't what I was planning on checking. "Dude, come on, you're a doctor, surely you know how we can do this without her." I took the pregnancy tests out and opened the cardboard box. "We can do this without her, right?" I was too busy reading the instructions to turn around but I heard Patrick sigh at my question.

After googling some very dodgy things, and watching some questionable videos that probably weren't 'how-to's but rather fetish porn, me and Patrick came to the conclusion that it was pretty much impossible to take a pregnancy test for Anna, without her knowing. Great. Now what?

"Hey, can I ask you something?" I looked over to Patrick as he span around in Anna's swivelling office chair. "Sure." I had no idea what he was going to ask me but it couldn't be that bad. In that brief moment between me responding and Patrick asking his question, I felt like a kid again. Patrick was spinning in a chair, I was sat on a bed and we were talking about girls. Granted, this time it was a bit of a bigger deal than just a crush, but it still felt the same.

"Why're you so scared of having a kid?" The question hit me like a damn freight train. "I'm not scared." That was a lie. "I'm totally fine with it." Another lie. I don't know why I was lying. I've been honest with Patrick over a lot worse. Maybe I am scared. Actually, there's no maybe. I am scared. I'm really scared. "Are you sure you're not? I mean, we just tried scooping toilet water onto a pregnancy test in the hopes it'd tell you if your girlfriend is pregnant. That feels like you want to know because you're scared."

He had me. I had to come clean. "Fine." I took a deep breath, "I am scared. I'm beyond scared, mate. I might be having a kid. You know how crazy that is? I might have created life! Me! That's..." I need a moment. It's hitting me again. "That's crazy. I just don't know if I'm ready for that responsibility yet."

"What?" Patrick chuckled at me, which I didn't quite get. I didn't say anything funny or too unbelievable. "Dude, you're gonna be a great dad. I mean, look back over the last 14 years. All the stuff we've been through. Any time I had a problem, who'd I come to?" Oh, so he's doing that.

"Me?"

"Exactly!" Patrick gave me a reassuring smile that, I've gotta admit, made me a little happier. "Same goes for Olivia. You helped her and Matthew in their early days and now they're getting married. Dude, you're going to be the best dad ever. You'll be fine."

"I guess." Even after his inspiring words of wisdom, I still don't think I'm ready. I guess I don't feel mature enough. I mean, it was only this morning I laughed at a fart joke – okay, it wasn't even a joke, I just asked Alexa to make a fart noise. Still, neither scream mature adult ready to be a parent, right?

I needed more reassurance. I needed another one of my oldest friends.

The phone rang. Me and Patrick sat eagerly on the bed. It rang again. Then again. It was about to ring a third time when it was picked up. "Sam?" Ah, that voice. Familiar, friendly, comforting. "Olivia, hey, I know you're probably really busy with the wedding being two days away and all but I could seriously use your help right now." There was a pause. I needed her. I needed her to help me, to tell me I was going to be alright. I crossed my fingers and hoped she wouldn't bail. "Okay, sure. I've got time. We're pretty much all done now here." Hearing those words caused me to have the biggest smile I'd had since I woke up next to Anna earlier (I never get tired of that). "So, I have a bit of a problem, and I don't know what to do. I've called Patrick over and we tried to figure it out but we're just not the best at all this and I'm freaking out a little—"

"Anna might be pregnant, Liv." Patrick cut in, sparing her from my rambling. "Oh. Oh, okay. Wow, that is big. Is that what the meeting was about the other day? Sam, you should've told me, I would've been there for that."

"He's freaking out over it all. You know what he's like." Patrick answered for me again, thankfully. He's like my second brain. It's kinda worrying how well he knows me. "Sam, listen to me. You'll be fine. You're the best person I know. You're kind, caring, and just great. I remember in year 9, when you first thought about being a dad after our class watched some health video about it and it excited you. I remember how excited you were. If that's what you were like then, when you were 14 and single, I find it hard to believe you're nervous now when you're 25 and dating a woman you genuinely love. Plus, not to mention you've been the group's go-to for advice these past 14 years. If that kid of yours has any problem, you'll know what to do instantly. Everything's going to be fine, Sam. Trust me. As your best friends," I looked over at Patrick as she spoke, "trust us when we say you're going to be better than fine. You'll be perfect." Patrick smiles at me and I know they're not lying to me.

I was still scared. I still am. But I'm a lot less scared than I was before I spoke to my friends about everything. Sometimes I think I take them for granted. Without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I definitely wouldn't be ready to be a dad. But, I have them. I've had them for 14 years. They've taught me a lot – some good, some bad. Now I think I am ready. I'm ready to become a dad.