My Life Is A Bigger Mess Now

Part Six - A Hotel Heart-To-Heart

After the wedding - there's a reception, and after the reception - there's the after party. At least, that's how Olivia and Matthew did it. We headed back to the hotel we were staying at, we being me and Anna, Patrick and Niamh, Olivia and Matthew, as well as Emily and some of our other single friends.

We drank way too much here. Which is pretty typical of us, actually. I'm pretty sure that a solid 20% of the stories I've told you are about drinking or involve me and my friends drunk. What can I say? It makes things a little less predictable and a helluva lot more fun. That was very true of tonight. Celebrating their first night of marriage, we played some classic games of ours from our college days; stuff like Paranoid and True American (a game we stole from my all time favourite TV show: New Girl). It was great fun.

"Sam, Sam." Patrick called me over, away from the games. He wrapped his arm around me and began to whisper, "I think Anna is pregnant." My mind was blown at this notion. I'd completely forgotten about it whilst drunk. "What?!" I whispered back. "Why?"

"She's not been drinking all night." That sobers me up a little. She hasn't? But she's been playing all the games with us. It suddenly hits me. Paranoid, she never drank. True American, she needed the toilet and missed most of it. "Oh my god." I was sobered a little more by the final realisation. She's avoided drinking all night. She didn't drink at the reception. She's only had water. "Patrick, what do I do?" I whispered to my best friend.

"Ask her. Burp. It's all you can do." He was right.

Look, I'd known for a few days that this moment was coming. Either she was going to tell me or I was going to have to ask her. I was really hoping for the former rather than the latter but, if it's what I need to do, it's what I'll do. It's about time I knew what my future was. I mean, I needed to know.

"Hey, Anna. Can we go back to our room? I can feel tomorrow's hangover coming on." I joked and she wrapped her arm around me, making sure I wasn't going to fall on the way to our hotel room. When we got their it was dark and pretty cool, temperature-wise. Perfect. She flicked on the far light and sat me down on the bed. It was just as cool as the room and I felt my eyes begin to fade, just sitting there. "Are you pregnant?" I blurted it out. No subtlety for the drunk. "What?" Anna turned around. I would usually tell you how she looked at this point but my vision was blurry and my memory had clocked out from recording new stuff. It's only through sheer will and determination I can remember anything past the first round of drinking games.

"Are you pregnant? Patrick said you might be."

"And how would he know?" She asked back. A valid question and one I couldn't remember the answer for immediately. Then it came back. "He said you weren't drinking. Pregnant people can't drink."

"I just didn't want a drink tonight, Sam. I'm not pregnant." She says beside me and rested her head on my shoulder and I rested mine on her head. "Oh okay." I smiled. "Yeah, I forgot you didn't have to drink." A drunken chuckle escaped my mouth and Anna joined in. "Yeah, you don't. You should maybe try that some time."

"If you were pregnant, would you keep the baby?" Very quick conversation topic change, I know, but I couldn't help myself. My drink mind was on pregnancy now. "Yeah. I would." I think I smiled at this but my face was a little numb so I don't remember. "Would you want to have a kid now?"

"I don't know." I fell back and stared at the ceiling. "I love you and would love to have a kid with you. I just don't think I'm mature enough to be a dad."

"Fair enough." She fell back and lay next to me. "I think I'm the same. I mean, a kid is a big responsibility." She wasn't wrong; and I'd have told her there and agreed with her, if I was still somewhat conscious. I could hear faint, unrecognisable noises and then nothing. I was out cold. Fast asleep and all I could dream about was our kid – the kid we weren't having for a while. The kid I wanted more than anything but was to scared to admit.