She always found forgiving her father most impossible, and so created her own emotional scars. A roadmap of sorts, one that tells of her own personal wars. And though she may of seemed to have forgave, she would always remember, forgetting would render her less protected. It was so hard to love him when his stress response stung so bad. Dis-regulated. He would spiral. And both with their higher brains shut down and their primitive selves in full lack-of-self-control, maximum-damage-infliction mode was set. The fall out of this all would take years to heal, if ever. She did not get it then, how could she? Ten years old and hiding -peeking out- getting her own dose of stress and PTSD into the bargain. Her dad was there like a shadow until you needed him. Then suddenly he was unavailable. His ready smile was only for those who gave freely and didn't require any help in return.
Nevertheless, she loved the calm between the storm. Relished those moments where she was able to forget all heartbreak and anguish he had caused. She knew she had to engage at these hours as sooner or later his conscience time bomb would tick its last tock of solace for that period. She felt unwanted to her dad in these periods. But that was because she grew so much and so fast. He stayed where he was. She wishes he could have loved her still, that his ego hadn't caused him to show such cruelty. They say a bad parent was a traumatised child, caught in the fires of their own suffering, their thoughts more hurricane than poetry or soul. She guesses that's right. In that exists a road to forgive, a way to see the bigger picture and move on with her own soul intact, head held high. When we see it we can learn to heal, learn to love anew and be a person we approve of in a way that is deep and calm. Then we can become the good parents and start a new cycle that is loving and healthy, plant a good seed in the rotten wood and watch the new spring growth.
