stupid middle school crush

six

He would never learn.

He was a soft person with emotions like any other person. He just would rather keep these types of hurts to himself, to not burden.

I feel the same, but I'm not as strong. I crack to the point of explosion. And I always wondered how he did it. I never wanted to ask. Because boys at that time were mean, and I didn't want him to judge me for having feelings of my own of hurt.

Even when he had his. I already suffered from caring too much. So it would hurt more if someone so close to me.. hurt me more.

Him: Genuinely thinking of suicide rn.

It was across my screen.. and I panicked. It was in the group chat too— but he didn't really say stuff like thag unless sarcastic. But since there was no context.. and I cared. I decided to give him a call.

Sorry the number you have dialed-

I hung up, a ring of texts popping in my personal messages.

Him: hey.

Him: 🦑 I'm not gonna do it obviously but yeah genuinely thinking about it. But maybe I'm just bored.

Bored?

Bored. He was bored. To my surprise I was still panicked. Since my close friend was thinking of such things. But I texted back

Me: oh- but don't scare me like that :/

Him:hmm but I love how you out of all the people in the gc were the one to answer

Groupchat

Him; fuck you 🧈🍞

🍞: huh?

——

Clueless as ever, I was always first to respond. Questions, plans, homework. I was reliant on being a person who was online and had nothing else to do. My messages were always read it delivered, it did hurt to not get a response after me being heartfelt.

I was always run over and used emotionally. But as a person who feels intensely.. I can't help to feel pain and respond.

That's my mistake.

I always screw up on these things. And my only regret is just staying online and available to talk to. And maybe if I didn't, I wouldn't be so mentally bad.

I would be so unlovable.