Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Fifth Letter

To: Kwon Soonyoung
From: Y/N

Hello, Soonyoung.

It hasn't been long since we've known each other. I know that now, after the semester of Junior year ends, we won't be able to see each other. The only way I was able to see you was because we took a performing arts class together this semester. Next semester, after winter break, I'm taking music.

I want to tell you this but even now, during winter break, I'm still not sure. Maybe if we had more time to spend together, I would have the courage to talk to you and develop a better relationship with you. I'm not sure if you know, but I think I liked you. Or, I admired you at least.

Soonyoung, you may be the craziest boy I've ever seen in my life. When I took performing arts with you, you were timid at first, which I found cute. Now, you have no trouble talking to me at all. I realized that once you talk to a person once, you can talk to them a million times again. Thank you for talking with me.

You're cool. Whenever someone in the class feels discouraged because the teacher is being strict, you always remind them that it's fine and you nicely correct them. That happened to me too. I know that I'm probably not that good at dancing but because of your help, I could find the difference of very small details like which angle I'm facing, the angle of my hands, all that. You're sharp and concise when it comes to dancing and that makes you cool.

I appreciate you for helping me dance. I'm quite a hard worker so whenever I couldn't get something right, I would keep practicing. Everyone would be resting at the side when it was time to rest, but I couldn't rest unless I perfected a move. Thank you for always dancing with me. I know you're always tired after dancing but you manage to make it seem as if you're always full of energy and sometimes, you really are filled with energy.

I think the reason for falling for you was because of your personality and how you took care of everyone. You were a kind guy that wasn't afraid to stand up for other people. My heart especially fluttered when I saw you asking the teacher to stop yelling at the students for not getting the moves right. I like you a lot and respect you too, Soonyoung.

I also really liked how you danced. I still remember that first time our teacher put on some random music and asked us individually to freestyle. Almost everyone didn't know what to do so we just moved our bodies. I'm pretty sure I looked like a complete idiot while freestyling at first, right?
Well, compared to you, all of us seemed like complete noobs. The way you read the music and moved your body to the beat and rhythm of the song you heard for the first time was mesmerizing.

Whenever I think about it, my jaw always drops. You were so cool and my heart was racing. Your hand movements were sharp and the amount of body control you had was truly amazing, Soonyoung.

That's the true reason why I wanted you to teach me to dance. That's the true reason why I asked you to watch my freestyle. I admired you so much, Soonyoung. I really respected you and your dancing. I felt so inspired by it.

I just know it, that day when I walked up to you in the classroom, fumbling with my hands, I must've looked like a complete weirdo, right? Since we didn't talk much, I didn't expect you to remember my name. I don't know if you saw me blushing, but I was.

“I have a request... Can you watch my freestyle?”

Your flustered expression was really cute. Your eyes widened a little and I think I saw your ears turn pink too. You went like “hm?”

When you watched my freestyle, I'm sure you were disgusted, but I'm thankful that you didn't walk say because it probably looked as if I had no potential to be a dancer (yes, this made me fall for you as well). You helped me learn to read beats and continued to tell me which parts of my freestyle were good. You taught me a lot of things regarding freestyle and quickly, I was able to find my style and improve overall as a dancer.

You also started recording me dance. I was shy at first, but I'm thankful you did it. I don't know if you still have the videos on your phone because we don't communicate outside of school, but I hope you don't have the ones when I was still beginning to freestyle!!! Gosh, it's like haunting me just thinking that you still have the videos!!!

I also want to thank you for this hehe... During the days when we were given free time to dance, talk, and practice, I saw you dancing to SHINEE. I want to thank you for that. I was just practicing my freestyle but then you invited me to learn a dance by SHINEE. When I first saw their dance, I was immediately hooked.

You then taught me slowly, step by step, for the days when we had break time. Now I know so many SHINEE dances that I've begun learning to dance to different kpop songs in my room.

All this time, I've just been talking about how kind, caring, and cool you are because that's what I thought of you. You were so cool, Soonyoung. I admired you but I also know that I liked you. To me, you felt like a friend but at the same, it seemed like weren't close enough to be that. We were hovering in the middle of classmates and friends.

I'm pretty sure that you don't think of me the same way I think of you. To you, I'm probably like a pupil. We got along well though. I got to see your cool side through dancing and you also had a shy side too. When you finish performing your freestyle and realize everyone's looking at you in awe, you get so shy. I don't know but I find that so cute.

It was a bit of a pity that I only saw you once every few days a week. I wanted to see you more often and possibly, we could have been dancing buddies too. I've learned to love dance because of you. If only... Sadly, we aren't in the same classes this semester. I sort of predicted it.

The school is pretty big so seeing you isn't easy. Plus, aside from learning dances together and caring for each other as classmates, we didn't have anything special, did we? I mean, whenever you moved my arms while behind me, I'm pretty sure that I was the only one who had my heart racing. Seriously, you shouldn't do that to people! I don't think you're aware of how attractive you are, Soonyoung.

Each time you hover behind me and take my hands or stand behind me to help me adjust my arm's position, I always get flushed with butterflies. Like, you could do it from the front, but the back brings you so much closer to me that I get so flustered.

Every. Single. Time.

You're close enough for me to smell your scent, hear your breath, and feel your breath on my neck. It's extremely ticklish too. Do you know that I like you!?

I find it to be a pity that we didn't have any classes together aside from the dance class. If we did, maybe we would have gotten a bit closer to each other. I don't only want romantic relationships that's not even my goal with you. I want to be your friend and dance buddy but we still aren't close enough for that, are we?

So, if I ever happen to bump into you again whether it's in the hallways or by pure coincidence, I don't think I'd be able to say something to you. Sorry, Soonyoung, I'm a coward.

I'm constantly driven by the negative thoughts and the possibility that you don't think of me as a friend or dancing buddy but just someone who learned a dance from you. I'm still extremely grateful to you though and I won't care if your true intentions for teaching me were to train yourself.

I still like you a lot even though I'm sure it'll fade.
To me, you don't seem like a bad person. You seemed to always be passionate and genuine about dancing. You're kind too. I liked you a lot because you were genuine, passionate, bright, and kind. You were cool, inspiring, and showed me so many new things.

I know this letter to you had mainly just been contaminated with me telling you how grateful I am toward you, but trust me, this is a love letter to you. I did like you. I liked you because you showed me new things and because of all your other qualities. I don't know, I'm a confusing fool.

In the end, we are probably just like strangers to each other, but that's okay. We only spent a semester together, meeting twice a week, so knowing you would have been equal to not enough time anyway. I'm sure you probably don't like me the same way I like you, I can rest assured in my head that this letter would just make you proud of yourself. Of course, you should be proud of yourself.

I'm glad that I met you even if it was just for a little while.

Time is seemingly hating me but I can end this letter off with a smile.

Sincerely,
Y/N