Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Eleventh Letter

To: Boo Seungkwan
From: Y/N

Dear Seungkwan,
now that school is about to begin again, I've been thinking of you a lot. I just kept reminiscing the sweet moments we had and now, after all that reminiscing, though it's only been a few days since I rejected you, I realized this. I love you.

First things first, how are you? I hope you're doing fine.

Back to what I was saying, after this realization (that I loved you), my heart began to thump out of my chest. I feel so stupid. I'm a college student and yet, why does it seem like I do not know love? I was so sure I didn't like you as a lover but now that you and I aren't seeing each other, I miss you like crazy.

However, as much as I want to see you, I don't think I'll have the courage to talk to you. After I rejected you, I'm sure things are way too awkward between us.

I know you probably don't know this but I looked back on our text messages and sometimes, you were also online. I would see you typing out a message only for you to delete it and not send anything. Inside, I hoped that you would send me a text and see that I was viewing our chat the entire time.

I want to tell you first, I want to do everything first, but for some reason, I can't pick up the courage to do it. I know that maybe it will be better for me to make the first move and confess that I've loved you all along, but I just can't do it. Even after knowing that this love is mutual, I can't do it.

I don't know why either. I believe it's because I truly want to focus on my studies and leave college on a good note. However, at the same time, I wonder if I'm just being cowardly. I have made the first move before and I am quite confident that I can, but I just... I can't. It's a confusing feeling, Seungkwan.

I don't want to be selfish and keep you for myself but I want to be selfish and hope that maybe this selfishness would make both of us happier. We've only known each other for a few months and since summer is so short, the timing wasn't that great for us.

The only way we really met was at the cafe I worked at and the volunteer event that was hosted every week. When we did get to know each other and started hanging out, it still wasn't that much time because you enrolled in summer vocal lessons.

With so little time to get to know you, I'm not confident that we can truly become a good couple. To me, it seems like you and I are complete opposites. You're funny and loud and you can easily brighten any kind of atmosphere meanwhile I just blend in with it.

You told me that you liked me for a while and I'm sorry I didn't notice it. You continued liking me because you wanted to but even so, I feel a bit bad because, in the end, you don't even get to be with me. I like you too, Seungkwan, I just can't confess.

Is it really because I can't? Or I don't want to? I'm not sure and this feeling confuses me as well, I just can't describe it. I've always been indecisive even when I'm confident in my answers, which I know sounds stupid. I am a stupid person. I don't know how to love someone properly and it's my fault.

Anyway, back then, when you were beginning to show interest in me, I should have taken the hint. Was it near spring when you started coming to the cafe?

You would always crack a joke whenever I was the one who delivered you your coffee or took your order, and every single one of them made me smile, giggle, and laugh. I should have looked a bit closer at your expressions when you told those jokes. It wasn't until later during summer that I started noticing your sparkling eyes, heart-fluttering smile, and the way you gazed at me.

I think our romance involved only around time. When I spent time with you, I felt like I could spend all the time in the world with you, but eventually, reality hit me. We met during the summer and I have my final year of college coming soon, would being with you be a benefit? No, it shouldn't be a benefit.