I've been having a lot on my mind. I've been trying to put some focus on things in my life & im trying to start somewhere. I want to do something really for me. Do something that makes me happy. All I want to do is be happy & stop hurting people I love & just get back to a good place in my life. I feel like I've been on that track but I'm everywhere. I just need to figure things out.
"Justin there's a bug on your face" Y/n said super fast getting me out of my thoughts to realize what she's saying
"What?"
"I'm kidding you dazed out on me"
"I'm sorry, I kinda...my mind was on something it's been racing"
"You want to talk about, it will make you feel better. If you talk about it it helps & makes you do what your thinking"
I just kinda thought about what she said and looked at her. Y/n is really a great girl. As much as I feel like we can be more & I want to it's just right now, I can't give her what she deserves. It's like you want to but can't situation. I can't help how I feel.
"You don't want to tell me huh?"....don't be afraid to" she said softly. I just grabbed her thigh & made her place her legs on my lap.
I took a deep breathe and let it go.
"I just feel terrible"
"....." She was just looking at me wanting me continue because she knew I had more to say.
"I've been thinking about something & I want to say something to you regarding us"
"Mmk"
"I feel like we have been developing feelings for each other...do you have feelings for me?"
"................um I don't know. Why would you ask me that"
"You have feelings for me. I know you do"
"I plea the fith"
"How can you not have feelings for me?" I asked I know she does she's being difficult
"I'm not admitting to anything"
"Y/n...........I know what your doing, I'm trying to be honest right now. I want to know if you have feelings for me"
"I'm being honest I don't know"
"Why do you stay close to me then?"
"Because we're friends. Close friends I thought I can say the least......"
"We are close. I'm trying to say that whether you admit it or not if you have feelings for me, I wanted to say that right now I like how we are right now. & I hope you are happy with it too. I don't want you to have any hope that we can be together more than what we are. & before you put a thought in your head or say anything like your not good enough for me or I don't want you or begin to hate me you need to know that's not how I feel or think about you at all in that way. You are more than enough. We have a strong connection, your my idea woman of who I would hope to be with. I just don't want you staying around having a hope that we can be more really soon. Because if your hoping that I don't want to hurt you absent mindedly. I don't want you think I'm ignoring or your feelings.....feelings you don't want to admit that you have for me but do. I don't want you to loose you either. I just want this what we have right now. I want to not hurt people I really care about you being one of them. I'm ready to put the bullshit aside & focus on getting my life together, putting my music first & just being happy..........i know what I just said was a lot....but I just wanted to let you know how I feel because I trust you. I know I put a lot of my weight on you because I tell you everything.....but that's just what I was thinking concerning is.......I just hope you can understand" I said sincerely
She didn't have much words for me. She just kinda looked at me.
"Say something......please"
"I get what your saying, it just hurts a bit because is sorta sounds like my presence in your life is more so a distraction than therapeutic........"
"You have been therapeutic. I tell you everything"
"I just wanted to be your friend, & be there for you.................but you make it sound like you want me to give you space. I know you do & I'll give you space."
"I don't want to loose you. I never said anything about space. I want you around. I need to vent to you, I want you to be there & support me, I need you to laugh with me & do fun things with me. I need that & I want that. I just don't want us to turn into something im not ready for."
"But I haven't asked you of anything...........listen I hear what you are saying & I get it. I do understand what your saying. I guess........I kinda felt that what you were saying sounded like you didn't want me around or be there for you.........but now that you said that , I get what you are saying. & I respect you. You are being honest & it's respectable."
I suddenly had the urge to kiss her because I have a weakness for when I was honest & it's respected. I'm glad she gets im not trying to hurt her. I just want to put certain things first for what I have to do before things that can come a bit secondary.
"Don't be distant ok."
".....I wont"
I found myself just staring at her in her eyes. Just trying to read her mind.
"I'm going to kiss you even though you say you don't have feelings for me"
I kissed her. I couldn't resist.
"I meant what I said" I said after pulling away.
"Ok"
