grief (1)

acceptance

dear quinn,

i haven't written you in awhile.

my parents forced me to go to therapy. it helped. although at first it was weird, i had to talk about you and everything i was feeling to this random person. it did make me smile when I remembered that you used to call therapists 'shrinks'.

it got easier to talk about you though. i still go to weekly sessions and i'm slowly getting better. i know you'd be proud of me.

i still miss you. everything still reminds me of you. i still see you everywhere i go. but it doesn't hurt as much. which is good.

i know i can't bring you back. i know that you would've wanted me to keep living. so i'm trying.

some days are hard. some are easier. i couldn't hang out with our old friends; too many memories. so i made new ones. they're nice. they don't push me or say anything when my eyes sting with tears after a painful memory. or when i stare off into space thinking about you.

i got into columbia. we always planned on going there together. i'm going to go. when i got the acceptance email, i cried. it was one of the hard days. at first i didn't want to go. not without you. but then i remembered that you'd want me to go. you'd want me to live our dream, because you can't anymore. so i'm going to go. for you, but for me too. 

i guess this is me saying goodbye.

thank you for making my life better.

you were my first love. you always will be. i'll always love and miss you. but i need to move on, which doesn't mean forgetting you - i'll never forget you - it just means learning to be happy without you. and i know you'd want me to.

i hope that wherever you are, you're happy.

love always, leo

end.