Life Unexpected

Life Unexpectedly Ends at the OBGYN

THE LAST THING that I needed to hear from Austin after dropping such a huge bombshell on him was "no." followed by silence. That's all he had said in the last ten minutes. The room fell silent, I could hear the crickets chirping outside.

My heart had fallen to the pit of my stomach, tears threatening to fall down my cheeks as I held onto that last shred of sanity for dear life. God, my worst fear had come to life and I didn't know how to function.

Austin just stood in the middle of the room, paler than a ghost. I needed him to say something, anything to keep me from falling apart. I just wanted to know if I was going to be going through this by myself or not. I needed to prepare myself for whatever it was that the future held for me.

"What do you mean you're pregnant?" he asked, raking his fingers through his hair. It was painful to look at him, watching as he went through the five stages of grief all in a matter of seconds – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I had never seen Austin look so frazzled for as long as I've known him. He was never at a loss for words, always coming up with a witty or sarcastic remark. His mouth opened and shut when words failed to form. He left trail marks in his carpet as he paced forcefully, muttering incoherently as he swung his hands in front of him.

My heart ached, wanting to help him off the ledge of insanity but I couldn't. I had been on that ledge for the past few weeks and finding my way off it felt impossible. How could I offer him words of comfort when I couldn't even do it for myself?

"I'm going to go pee on the stick now, be right back." I whispered, hopping off the bed. I slowly led him to take a seat at the edge of the bed, all the while he still muttered under his breath like a mad man. The only words I could point out were, "sex" and "baby."

I pressed my hand against his cheek, the sudden contact somehow bringing him back to Earth. He sunk into the warm embrace of the palm of my hand, a soft, cheeky, grin forming on his face. "I'll be right back." I smiled just before pressing a warm kiss against his forehead.

Words still seemed to escape him, so all he could do was nod and smile.

Peeing on yet another pregnancy test felt surreal this time around, maybe it was because Austin was in the other room or maybe because some small piece of me was hoping that this time around the stick would read negative and we could forget this ever happened.

I quietly shut the door behind me, turning the lock. I ripped my distressed jeans down to my ankles and awkwardly angled the pregnancy test underneath me. It took a few seconds but before I knew it a stream of my urine hit the test, I placed the protective cap over the test strip and placed it on the counter to await my fate.

Five minutes felt like an eternity, my legs shaky as I sat on the toilet seat paralyzed. Austin knocked on the door, but I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Everything felt like slow motion as I waited for the test results. I hoped and I prayed for a negative. There was no way I could raise a child right now.

"Mads, can you open please?" Austin croaked, gently knocking on the door. I slowly turned my head, my eyes landing on the pink test that laid before me. My vision blurred and his voice sounded from a far distance.

I breathed a shaky breath, my voice finally finding me. "I can't - I can't get up" I cried, trying to will myself to get off the toilet seat. I wasn't sure if they were numb from sitting on the toilet seat for so long or numb from the anxiety that soared through my veins.

I'm not sure what pushed me to finally grab the piece of plastic that held my future in it's grasp, but next thing I knew I was holding onto the pregnancy test. A bright blue positive sign staring at me in the face, taunting me and whispering that in this very moment my life was over.