Midnight Memories

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⚠️ This story contains some scenes that may trigger you in any form. Read at your own risk.

If I jump on this bridge, would someone come and save me from drowning?

I used to be so scared of bridges like this. One time, me and my friends decided to walk here and I barely made it to the other side. It is a concrete and steady bridge yet the thought of falling in the deep river below it makes me shiver, but that was before.

"How have you been?" My psychiatrist asked. She's sitting on her office chair, I was on the couch. With her usual legs crossed, she began to write some things on the paper attached to the clipboard.

"Better, I guess.." she didn't answer, instead she got up and sit beside me.

"I'll be honest with you, before handling you your diagnosis, I had to think thoroughly. It's hard to diagnose someone who wouldn't tell me the truth."

I scoffed sarcastically. "You said it yourself, it's hard for you to understand what I'm going through, what more sa'kin?"

I honestly don't have any idea on what's going on in my mind. I think this therapy is a waste of time and money. What was I thinking?

"Oh, ba't umuwi ka pa? Di ka na lang sa mga barkada mo umuwi, tutal sila tinuturing mong pamilya di ba?" Parang may automatic na boses yung main door ng bahay, kada bubuksan ko tuwing lumalabas ako may sermon na naririnig.

"Di ko sila pinuntahan." Dumiretso ako sa kwarto para magpalit ng damit. Tuloy pa rin si mama sa pagdadada kaya tumunganga muna ako. I started to zone out para hindi maintindihan yung sinasabi ni mama. Paulit-ulit lang niyang ipapamukha na dahil sa barkada kaya ako nagkakaganito. If only she knew...

"Oh, saan ka na naman pupunta? Kababae mong tao gala ka nang gala. Ano, makikipagkita ka na naman sa barkada mo? Dun ka na tumira, tignan ko kung paano ka tatratuhin. Panigurado gagawin kang katulong lang don!"

Jokes on you, ikaw pa nga lang ginagawa na akong katulong. At least sila napaparamdam kahit papaano na buhay ako.

I don't understand their concept of parenting. Siya yung ina pero she always gets the last piece of cake. She wouldn't sacrifice for me. She can't even take care of me just like how a mom should be.

They said that your love language is what you crave most from your parents or it is what they fail to give.

Guess what my love language is - physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.

"Stay, I will prove to you that your time won't be wasted. I am not entitled as the best psychiatrist in town for nothing."

"Prove it to me then. I've worked my ass 24/7 to afford this therapy. It's our second meeting and I haven't felt better."

She sighed and fixed her glasses.

"How often do you think of killing yourself?"

"I just want to kill the voice inside this shit," I formed my finger into an imaginary gun and pointed it on my head.

"Yeah, and I'm asking you how often do you think about it."

"Hmm, let's see." I opened the bottled water in front of me. "Every morning when I woke up and my mom's in bad mood, saying stuff that wasn't true, her manipulation. Every time, every morning when I wake up and she makes me feel worthless of their love and attention. Every afternoon where she makes me feel like I'm a robot that can't be tired. Every night before I sleep, she would take my 'me time' to cope up with what happened during the day. It's exhausting. And that happened everyday. I've lost count on days that I want to kill myself."

"When do you plan to do it?" She asked.

She doesn't think I'm dumb, does she?

"Why would I tell you? And what if I tell you? Will it change anything?"

"Hopefully. Listen, Athena, I am here to help you kill that voice inside you, hmm? We will fight together." She moved closer to me and squeezed my hands.

"Tas alam mo ba, ang chismis yung pinsan mo nabuntis! Pinagmamalaki ko nga na buti na lang matalino ka at may nalilibangan ka kahit papaano." My mom laughed and I faked one as I swallow my food.

Some days are good. As if we're bestfriends. As if everything is fine. As if everything is perfect.

And those were the days I hope lasted more than the dark ones.

"How's the voice inside your head?"

"Better I guess. They're wanting me to be alive. They're in good state right now." I smiled genuinely as I sip into my iced coffee.

"I'm glad to hear that. All those years you've spent here, I guess they we're a waste of time."

I hummed as I nod my head happily. "Thank you for helping me control my thoughts."

Lies.

God knows how I hate lies. Who am I fooling? This psychiatrist in front of me? My friends assuming I'm getting better? Myself?

"Gosh, how lovely!" I praised Prescila as she turn around, showing the dress she just bought for her graduation tomorrow.

"Selos ako, sana all payat." Danice commented. Kinurot niya ng bahagya ang bilbil niya.

She'll starve herself again. I know her. Gusto niyang pumayat gaya nung bata pa siya.

"You're not that fat. Sakto lang for your height." And that's a fact. I am not in her shoes to judge her when she's telling us na ang taba niya pero in my eyes, sakto lang ang proportions niya. I guess we all have different perceptions of how we look. It's always different from other people's point of view.

"Yo, guys. I'm so lucky to have you." I gently pull Prescila's wrist. I pulled both of them for a hug. "I want this to last. I want this kind of peace forever."

"It feels like home."
"It sure does."

I hope they would forgive me. I hope they won't blame themselves. I want them to think that they were more than enough to make me feel alive. That their support was more than enough to extend my will to live. And I am more grateful to them than to my parents.

I close my eyes and feel the cool wind touching every part of me. With both my arms open, I jumped of this bridge. Hoping no one would interfere. This is my last resort. I couldn't kill the voices inside me.

So I killed me instead.