Midnight Memories

Untitled Story 3

I gathered all my strength to wake myself up but my body won't cooperate.

I struggle to move when I know that I am awake. Sleep paralysis. It's happening again. Twice in a row today-third time this week. Gosh. I just want to sleep so I can escape from the reality pero pati sa pagtulog ko hinahabol ako ng mga problema ko.

As I struggle to open my eyes, a glimpse of black shadow standing at my door seems to be observing me.

Ito na ba? Siya na ba si kamatayan?

At this point of time I should be scared, like a hundred percent scared. Pero 50 percent lang. Medyo natuwa ako kasi sinusundo na pero not this way naman sana.

"Like, I swear it happened twice! Unang beses medyo di katagal, na-move naman paa ko. Second time mas malala and I am seeing black shadows na hindi ko alam kung totoo or guni-guni ko lang."

"Mhmmm," Alex responded. "I see, you're very stressed lately."

"Stop acting like you're some psychologist."

"I am, though." Well, he is a psych student but not licensed. Alex is some sort of my mental twin.

"You see, waking up feels like a chore. Everything I do feels like I'm obliged to, that's why I finish them all."

"How about your family?"

"It's a cycle. The loud noises coming from our house means two things. It's either shouting with rage, anger, and frustrations or laughs from our happy bond. There's really no in-between."

"That explains why you're into toxic relationships as well. You're the waves in the sea during storm surges."

"Grabe ka naman sa waves during the storm surges. I am a bit calmer than that naman."

"That's what you think." he shrugged.

"I am not into toxic relationships. It just happened na mali ako ng napipili and hindi ko nare-realize agad ang signs. You know I prefer calm, soft-spoken, and gentle type of men. Kaso alam mo rin na ang mga green flags mostly ang mapanakit. Balat-kayo lang nila ang berde, pero mas malala iyong sakit kapag galing sa kanila."

"Alam mo ba, there's something I realize while you're ranting." he faced me and held my hand as if we're connecting.

"Everyone's going to hurt you-intentional or not. Anyone you're close with can betray you, disappoint you, and hurt you. You have the control to choose who's worth the pain. You just have to know who's worth the hurting and who's not. That's how life works, I suppose. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There's alway going to be ups and downs. There's always going to be a storm after the calm. There's alway going to be disadvantages to the advantages. On the contrary-to comfort you- as you have said, it's a cycle."

"You sound like a real therapist right now, Alex. I hope you realize that and I'm actually proud of you. Pa-kiss nga!" I leaned jokingly as he stood up and walk out of the room. We were running around, chasing each other.

When we got tired, we sat down and he muttered. "I'll be honest."

I look at him and saw the sweat buildups in his forehead. I wiped it with my hands. Halfway through it, he held my hands.

"We're better off as friends-like this. What do you think?"

That caught me off-guard.

"I loved the idea of having someone loving the things I hated about myself." He added.

I stared at our intertwined hands. My vision starts to get blurry. Nagbabadya ang luhang gustong kumawala.

"I loved how you got so nervous whenever you're staring into my eyes. I mistook the butterflies you felt on your stomach as a good sign. You were right about me wanting and choosing toxic relationships over the healthy ones. But I was also right when I said that people with most green flags hurt more people and the pain-the trauma and scars they leave is less tolerable." I finally gathered my strength to speak up.

"I made it clear from the start. My intentions were pure. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry for leading you on to something na hindi ko kayang panindigan." He lightly squeezed my hand after that. I let go of his hand and stood up.

"I guess that's the end. Let's end it here, Alex. I can't deal with the mixed signals anymore. But know that I'm glad I found my mental twin in you. I'm glad that I met my comfort person in your form."

"I promised to walk with you through the our path to success. I'm sorry that I have to pave another way and leave you behind. I know you can do it alone now. You've come so far." I start to pack my things and gets ready to leave.

"I'm sorry and thank you. Words aren't enough to express my gratitude towards all the things you've done for me. But this is our end."

Ilang araw na ring tumakbo sa isip ko ang nangyayari ngayon. This is way too far-way too painful from what I imagine it to be. I did not know this is more painful.

They say time could heal all the pain. But the scars are not guaranteed to disappear.