Midnight Memories

Untitled Story 5

"If you were to mourn over someone that's not yet dead, who would it be?"

Silence.

I think carefully before I start to speak.

"If there is someone I would mourn over that's not yet dead, that would be my past self." I said.

My professor and classmates remained silent. I watch their reaction thru my screen. I scanned their usual expression. Some with wet hair, some are messy, and some just woke up.

"I think you are muted, Miss Kara." David reminded me.

That explains the blank expressions.

"I'm sorry for that. I got too excited." I chuckled.

Lie. Nervousness took over me and I am about to have a panic attack. I calmed myself and gained my composure back.

"I said, if I were to mourn over someone that's not yet dead, that would be my past self."

"Why, Kara?" tanong ni Ma'am Pascua

"My past self did everything she could to please everybody—including those who took advantage of her kindness. She deserves those beautiful sincerely dedicated eulogies."

"She has sacrificed a lot for other people's happiness that it cost her mental health to be fucked up." Then my classmates start to stifle a laugh. I realized, napamura pala ako.

"Sorry for the bad word ma'am. Carried away by my thoughts."

"That is when you know you're being true to yourself. That's when you know na hindi scripted ang recitation na ito." natawa na lang din si ma'am at sinabing ipagpatuloy ko kung may sasabihin pa raw ako.

I said that's it, pero there's still a lot of thoughts na I want to voice out sa class. I stopped myself though. It will look like I'm having a therapy session with my classmates and teachers are my therapist. Besides, they might not have enough emotional and mental space for my thoughts.

We all have silent battles. Some battles need to be voiced out and even though our friends vowed to be there with us and will always listen, we should still consider their emotional and mental capacity to grasp our situation that we're about to vent.

Kung ikaw nga ay nabibigatan sa problema mo na iyon, paano na lang kung nadagdag pa iyon sa kanila? Hindi sa nag-ooverthink ako pero, paano kung nag-vent ako sa kanila tapos they're battling with something din pala? Not to invalidate my feelings but, they're just like us. Having their own battles.

My past self would be so proud na I'm learning the give-and-take process. She used to give and give. The take lang na nakukuha niya ay taken for granted. 

My past self would be so proud na the present self gets to keep genuine people that understands her ghosting phase and the comfortable silence.

My past self would be so proud na I can confidently say 'No' and not feel guilty about it.

My past self would be so proud na she improved a lot. She'd be so proud na she has more alone time. And those alone times are spent doing what she love, doing her hobbies, and focusing on the fields that needs improvement.

Although I am unrecognizable now, she still deserves to be justified for the bad decisions she made just for people to love her.

She wasn't beautiful before. Her beauty is not even on the average of the societal standard. She thought, she's not pretty enough for the pretty privilages. The least she could do was to have a beautiful personality, for the people to love her. She mistook that beautiful personality as being naive and people pleaser that has to be kind-hearted, always available, and an empath.

I wish that the people she used to please and those friends she begged to stay would come to her imaginary funeral and say things that would compromise what she has been through.

Those experiences indeed made her strong, but a lot of it was unnecessary for her development. Several traumas and the suicidal thoughts that kept her awake at 1 am.

She did everything to be enough for them but it's their fault for not seeing her effort to prove herself.

I want those people to apologize. I want those people to realize how good of a person she is that they lost. I want them to regret taking advantage of her innocence. I want them to know that they killed a pure and genuine caring person that would risk anything for their happiness.

But that's not what I need.

A part of me that's naive decided to forgive them, move on, and focus on my development instead.

As Kim Namjoon stated in his UNICEF Speech, "And maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday's me is still me. Today I am who I am with all of my faults and mistakes. Tomorrow I might be a tiny bit wiser and that'll be me too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have become to love myself for who I am, for who I was, and for who I hope to become."