5 years too late [L.S]

20

Harry

When Louis walks out of my room to give me some quiet i breath out a laugh. How can this one person be the one to break me and still make me kind of smile after the shitty day I just had. I shake that taught, leaving it for later, and walk to my mirror.

I stand ther watching my face slowly. I'm broken. In so many different ways, my eyes are more of a gray than green. The bags under my eyes growing for every sleepless night, which is most nights. My skin breaking out due to drugs and alcohol.

I drop my towel and look at the rest of my body. It's fit for sure, due to all the running. But my shoulders are slouched, knees feel tiered and hands hanging low. The scars on my thighs still very permanent, but starting to slowly fade.

This is not me. This is not Harry.

The broken boy in front of me has suffered through hell, but the real problem is that he stayed there. He still is in hell.

"If you are going through hell, keep going"

Even with all my running I'm standing still. Standing still in hell letting myself burn. Looking back at the past and not waking to my future.

Well... not anymore.

I quickly throw on some sweatpants and hoodie. For a second I consider laying in bed by my self and watching some depressing show, but no. That is standing still. And I need to be going forward. And going forward right now is to walk to the TV- room, where my four former best friends are currently sitting, and having at least a nice chat.

I take a deep breath and open my bedroom door, taking cautious steps to the tv-room. It shill hurts to walk, both between my legs and my head. Due to the fucking and the drugs.

When I enter they all look at me with a mix of surprises, confusion and pity.

"Ehh.." I look down at my feet, scratching the back of my neck "... sorry for kind of... you know... ruining the first show back, both with my silly argument with Louis and that you had to witness... Uhh... that. I'm truly sorry, I get if your mad or-" I don't can't finish my sentence due to nialls hug. He hugs me so tightly that I can't breath, it probably should be alarming, but it feels oddly calming. And for the first time in a long time I hug him back. A real, genuine hug. I can notice that it took him by surprise, but he neither loosens up or let's go.

"We are not mad Harry, we could never be mad at you for something like that. Sad. Maybe. We don't like seeing you destroy yourself. We all just want you to be okay. Wait, no. We want you to be good. Amazing. Happy"

"For me to be the old me?..."

He lets me go and looks me in the eyes. His own being full of tears, and I feel a tear run down my own cheek.

"Call it whatever you want Harry, we just want you to be happy and healthy"

I wipe my tear and look at the other boys. They all are pretty emotional, but nonetheless smiling and nodding at nialls statement. So I give them I quick 'thanks guys, I appreciate it', and take a seat on one of the beanbags.

Liam claps his hands and asks who is up for a beer, they all shout out for Liam to bring them one or two. I don't. It's all a part of going forward. Alcohol and drugs make me unsteady and slow, and there is no place for slow right now.

"Harry?"

"No thanks, I'm good"

"You sure?" Liam asks again

"Yeah... Uhh... I have this theory of 'if you're going through hell, keep going' and alcohol kind of makes me slow and I don't have time for that" for a second I don't only shock them, but myself. I just opened up all my taughts to them like in old days, like old me would do. It may not be the biggest thing but still, it wasn't just a one word answer.

I quickly add "don't let that stop you tho"

"Yeah, of course" and he is off the fetch the beers.

While we started family guy Liam came back with 5 cokes - wait what??

"You can still drink beer you know..." I say, souding almost a little irritated.

"Harry, we are all in this together, and we support you through everything, besides, we should get a lot fitter for the upcoming tour dates, I almost collapsed at the end off this one. Hence the zero" he says as he holds up the Coca Cola Zero cans. And then he handed us each one, the chips were already prepared.

"To one direction, cheers" Louis says while holding up his can, and we all follow.

We don't even watch the show, instead we talk about the old days. Remembering how it all started. Remembering all the pranks. Remembering all the good times. I don't talk too much, considering that I'm still a bit down from the drugs and sex, but I chip in with a memory or opinion from time to time, and the lads are more than satisfied.

Liam is the first on to go to bed, followed by zayn and Niall. Suddenly it's just me and Louis left.

"Do you want some alone time or...?"

"No, please don't go, I-I'm not sure I can handle my mind on my own right now" I say looking down in the floor yawning. Sleep suddenly hitting me.

"Yeah, of course... do you want me to be with you til you fall asleep?" He asks a bit hesitantly.

"You would do that?" Still not looking him in the eye.

"Of course Hazza. I would do anything for you"

"Thanks" I say with a low voice, feeling like the smallest human alive. But of course Louis notices, he always did and probably always will. In a second he is kneeling beside my bean bag and lifting my chin to meet his gaze.

"Hey... that's nothing to be ashamed of Hazza. Nothing at all. After the evening you had I am surprised you didn't break down. Witch would be totally fine, and expected. But wanting someone to be there for you is you being human. Wanting some form of love after you have been deprived of it for a long time is normal. Im happy you are wanting my help, or closeness, I really want to be there for you. Please don't think its wrong, when its sooo okey, sooo right..." during the talk he got to holding one of my hands in my lap and running his thumb over my knuckles.

I'm a bit shocked and just nod, slowly getting up with the help of him holding on to my hand. I don't let go, but just hold on tighter and lead the way to my room.