Padfoot's Rose | Sirius Black love Story

8. haunted halls

Content warning this chapter includes discussion of mental health and depiction of a panic attack.

"Isn't it a bit early in the semester to be drinking petal?" Remus asked leaning against my office door. A disapproving look on his face.

"I'm not hurting anyone am I? Besides my classes are done for the day" I retorted taking a sip of my firewhiskey as I turned back to look out the window. My eyes locked on the silhouette of the whamping willow. My eyes stung and I fought back the tears. Being back here, walking these halls, facing the children of people I fought against, it was all too much.

"When was the last time you ate?" He asked, the echo of his foot steps getting closer to me.

"Dunno, don't care. I'm not hungry" I replied waving my hand dismissively at him. The truth was I couldn't stomach anything, eating just made me feel worse, like anything I tried to take in would come right back up.

"Rose!" He sighed sound exhausted.

"I'm fine moony, I'm a big girl i can look after myself." I replied, unwilling to open up and appear weak because thats what I am, weak. I couldn't fight off Peter and got my family killed cause I couldn't warn them about him being a spy. I couldn't fight off the death eathers who used me as their personal fuck toy. I can't walk through these halls without being overwhelmed by the memories of everything I've lost. I'm weak, but I can't show it. Any sign of weakness and dumbledore will pounce like the easily excited lion cub he truly is and take Harry away from me and I won't let that happen.

I can't let that happen. I can feel this panic rise in me. My chest hurts and my thoughts just,  spiral.

"Rose"

I can't let dumbledore win. He's nothing more than a puppet master and the quicker others wake up to the truth the better for us all.

"Rose!"

Its his fault really. He never even tried to vouch for sirius. He was too suck in his ways, in his own prejudice to see how different sirius was from the rest of his family. Hell even regulus wasnt that bad when you look mad the other blacks. Ill admit my best friend was flawed but he say the error of his ways and turned from the dark, reached out for help and Got a flicking slap in the face when the brilliant headmaster, saviour of the wizarding world, the great defeater of Grindlewald. Prejudice pig more like it.

"ROSE!"

We were children being forced into a war we never asked for and I can see him trying to do the same now. Harry is just a boy and its clear as fucking day that arse hole has been grooming him to ve the perfect sacrificial lamb. He's rather unlucky he has to deal with me, sure sirius would have castrated him the minute he saw the conditions albus dumbledore left our godson in. Ill drag out his punishment, ill make him pay and use it to my advantage. Just wait.

"ROSE AMELIA EVANS!" Remus snapped pulling me to look at him as I drained the end of my drink. "You can't do this!you can't shut me out! Youre all I have left. I promised lily I'd look out for you if you ever returned and I'll.be damned if I break that promise but for merlin sake woman do you have to make it so difficult?"

Staring back into his chocolate brown eyes flakes with liquid gold i shouldn't shake the pain that cursed through my heart. Something unknown, unfamiliar. Remus lost everything too. He survived and suffered alone just as long as I did. What right do i have to a pity party? Hes been cursed since he was four years old and hated himself all because of his fathers ill-informed prejudice and ignorance towards his own sons illness. His life has been shit. How can I possibly confind in him when my pain, my trauma only pales in comparison.