The Big Book Of X Male Readers

Vampire X Male Reader

(Readers bewareeeeeee you're in for a scareeeeeee)

"I need one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer."

"(Y/N),  Please stop making George Thorogood and the Destroyers references or I'm getting my shotgun."

"Jeez, sorry for trying to lighten the mood."

Sitting in a bar pondering about your life choices was a daily habit of yours. You were a peasant in this kingdom, after all. Nothing better to do other than beg on the streets or get executed. The bartender begrudgingly gave you what you requested. Jokes on him though, you weren't gonna drink them. In fact, You aren't even an alcoholic! What are you even doing in a bar? Are you in a bar? 

Wait, you're drunk again. Fuck. This happens alot. You should probably just get your drinks and leave, the bartender's getting tired of your shit. Picking up your bourbon, scotch, and beer, you quickly pay your tab and leave the bar. You haven't realized you were in the bar for so long. And it's pouring too. Great.

Walking to your little straw-hut was a chore. Especially during times like this. Trying to walk home while being drunk off your ass is a chore in itself, but in the rain, it's like you're walking on thin fucking ice and you have no ice skates. It's no problem though, you're getting close to your house. You open the door and

Now you're awake. In your bed, atleast, you think it's your bed. Doesn't feel like straw wrapped up in a burlap sack so either you got a new bed while you were drunk or you're laying down on someone else's bed. Either or, it's still a pretty damn good bed. Feet alive? Yep. You still have gangrene though, peasant life and all that. Legs work? Yep.

You get up off the bed and turn on the light. 

And this is when you realize you broke into someone's house while you're drunk. Great. The King would be SOOOOOOO happy with you. You definitely wouldn't be put on the pillory and be executed live infront of all the townspeople, that would be ridiculous. You can't really cover your tracks either, there's muddy foot prints everywhere in the house, and there's even mud in the bed, so you're basically fucked 9 different ways to Saturday.

Well, it's probably best to hide. Probably.

You look around the area for somewhere to hide, and you found the perfect spot. Just as you shut off the lights and went back to your hiding spot, the door to the house opens, and a young woman comes inside. And she shuts on the lights. She didn't see you though, your lampshade on the head trick works everytime.

The young woman closed the door behind her and freaked the hell out when she saw the mud. Atleast she can't see you. After all, you DO have a lampshade on your head, no one will suspec-

Oh no.

Oh No.

OH FUCK SHE'S COMING STRAIGHT TOWARDS YOU.

"Bleck, There's mud on my lampshade too. Goddamn humans."

Oh. She didnt see you. Hooray! She also insulted humans, Semi-Hooray! 

This should be the time were you escape through a window or something, but your semi-drunken mind may or may not have an idea. Carefully, you sneak your way into the kitchen, and grab the biggest knife, Well, the one that cut you. You grabbed that one, You're literally a man stumbling around with a goddamn lampshade on your head. You're practically blind. Hearing the sound of another door opening, you quickly follow, not before tripping over every single fucking thing imaginable. How the fuck hasn't she noticed you yet?

You take a peek out of the lampshade for a second, and you see yourself in a..... Makeup room? Bedroom? Something like that, The girl is brushing her hair while looking in a mirror. Her back's facing you too. Jackpot.

Slowly but surely, you sneak up closer, and closer, gripping the knife tightly in your hands. Your right behind her now- hey she actually smells somewhat decent. Huh, neat. NO NO NOPE, stab her and take her home. 

Quickly taking off your lamshade-disguise, You shove the knife deep into her back, being the asshole you are, you screamed "SUPRISE BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. She looks like all life has been drained from her, as she still sits there, brushing her hai- wait what.

"Surprise." 

You kinda just stand there, baffled. Maybe you didn't stab her righ- No, the knife is definitely in her back. And she's definitely bleeding. Wait....

"What the hell? Shouldn't you be dead?" That sounded smart in your head. Good alibi. 

"Ya can't kill something twice, you idiot." She said. That didn't make any sense. Like, at all. You didn't get to think twice as you were quickly lunged at. She bit straight into your jugular too. Great, in your drunken stuper, you wandered off into the woods and broke into a vampire's house. Far away from humanity. Great. Fantastic. 

You aren't even paying attention to the fact she's literally draining you of your lively essence. You're just paying attention to how much of a dumbass you were and currently are. Is that how you say it? Why is everything getting surrounded by black dots? Why is you hearing going di- Oh your passing out. 

Waking up twice in the same broken-in home, but in a different bed. Right beside the weird vampire lady. 

"Hello there you dirty little thief." She said, neither of you are acknowledging the fact that your bleeding out on the bedsheets, but that's probably for the best. 

"First off, I'm not a thief. I just broke into your home. Second off WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PLEASE LET ME GO."

"Let you go?" She said, licking off the excess blood off your neck. "With blood as sweet as candy? I don't think so." She chuckled to herself. "Consider this your punishment for breaking into my home."

From then on, you were pretty much a walking bloodbag for this vampire lady. You didn't complain though. It was better than living in a shitty ass hut in a dumbass kingdom. Plus, she's extremely good at cuddling. And she was good at kissing.