I Quit Thinking

CHAPTER 10

Why Are You Here

Kiana decided to stay the other day, waiting for Paulo's reaction about my Henry's best entrance last night. She wanted to see it herself and I'm still not over with the fact that Henry did it again. This isn't the first time. The day after I made my word to took Canephora down, Henry's letters started to appear as bad news.

ー Louie of the house Hana would come and decide to have THE place in her life without. As though it would be the way to end the name and Alena's prints on it. The day after its parts completely removed from the lot Alena has lived, let Louie have her opportunity to work not at any but on Alena's word. Let her not build a place of own except on Alena's. Let her not find a place to work outside Alena's until she took the word back. H. H.ー

That's the first one. Henry wants me to be someone who's more, and by writing these nonsense, he needs to make sure I would.

But as what I've said to Paulo; Henry doesn't get what Henry wants. Henry gets what Henry needs.

Kiana stands and placed herself on the window, leaning her back on it to take the whole view of my apartment in just one point. She's very that friend who has to make sure she would never miss anything, while Paulo and I are quietly sitting across each other on the table for who knows how long. No one is speaking after I told him I'll be homeless for the next few months or so. He is insisting me to just accept the house, but, I quit thinking about it. I quit telling myself that I can be the owner of that house, that I can be responsible for it. It's never a place to run into. It's different.

I thought I'd start giving anything another chance to think about. But not this. Not Alena's home.

"Louie?" He says, "It's for you."

"I know."

"What do you mean by you know? You are so serious about not giving it a go. Don't you think it's-" He trips from his own words, this is what I'm saying. "Just, I know it's the best for you."

What if it's not.

"I grew up there," I begin, I don't want to lie infront of them anymore. "It was me who's broken and couldn't afford the truth. Not Henry, not anyone. I am the problem." I eyed them, weakly staring at the man who's trying his best to understand and to listen. "I don't want to think that I could own something that I don't deserve in the first place. I am not a Hana."

"No.. you are a Hana. Henry kept you when your parents never did."

"I don't care about who kept me or not, Paulo. I cared about myself and what could my mind do to me everytime the clock sents me to reality that I am indeed no one!"

"What's your plan then? Hide? That's what you want! To hide from everyone, to took down everything that's yours, to fucking exclude anyone in your life!"

"Yes!" I stand. "As long as I could. I'm not going to kill myself inside of a place that wasn't me! I'm not just anyone who would find this situation as luck or grateful for goodness sake!"

"You're only saying that because you didn't know what is life outside of everything. You're just here and stuck, Louie. You don't take anyone's word but yourself. You are so damage!"

Shit. Paulo didn't know everything too, did he?

"Why are you here?" I step back, trying to stay away from this man as much as possible. "Why are you in Hana anyway! Who are you!"

"Louie."

Everytime, I'm trying to be as strong as I could on telling him my story, where I've been, who I am. Even now. He knows at least everything about me than a book could tell. "If you're here trying to be someone who you can be, why don't you skip to tell me how damage I am and focus about yours."