Grit Your Teeth and Bear it (KiriBakuDeku)

Chapter 2

Midoriya's POV

I just feel completely, and irrevocably numb. My eyes are red and burning from crying so much and although I felt like crying more, my body had no more tears left to shed.

I felt heavy, like the world is crashing down on me and I have to use all of my strength to keep it from falling. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep, no matter how many times I tried I just end up staring at my ceiling or Ochako's cold lifeless face would flash in my dreams. I couldn't handle looking at her face, the one etched with fear and pain. Sometimes she would speak, reminding me of how I failed as a hero to keep others safe, to keep the ones I love safe.

My selfish desire to always strive being the best hero has caused me to lose the one person I loved more than anything and it is entirely my fault.

I did this to her, not the villains. I left town, I left her alone, I let her down.

I pinched my left arm with my hand, trying to create a distraction from my painful thoughts.

Of course I deserve the awful thoughts, but I can't handle the mental pain. I'm not as strong as I once thought I was. Physical pain is my only distraction, even at work. A suitable punishment, for someone so weak.

A bruise quickly formed around the pinched skin, but I didn't let go. I wanted more. I wanted to hurt more, forget more.

Maybe give up entirely. After all, why should I live if Ochako can't? Why should I live when it was my job to keep her and others safe?

I don't deserve to live after what I've done. I don't deserve to be the number one pro when I can't even protect the closest person to me.

I don't think I'll ever be able to let another soul get close to me again. Death and suffering is all that follows me. Anyone around me will be forced to succumb to it eventually. Ochako is proof of that and I wish I could reverse time. Fix that moment with her, tell her not to go to work that day and just stay home with her. Or maybe go back further and make sure we never end up together.

Maybe she would still be alive if it wasn't for me.

Someone knocked on my door and I glanced at it quickly from where I lay on the couch.

It was probably Todoroki again, maybe Iida. I'm not ready to face them. I'm not really ready to face anyone.

I don't want to look at their pity, let alone let them see the sorry state I find myself in when I'm not working.

I've tried working on my days off, but the agency won't let me. Saying how they don't want to overwhelm me after the incident. Little do they know it's the only thing really keeping me sane. Continuing my hero work and becoming stronger so I can hunt down the villains that killed her. I won't let them tear anymore people apart and I won't allow myself to ever fail again, despite the fact none of it will bring her back.

A couple of minutes passed and the knocking came again. I sighed and pulled a pillow over my face, no temptation to get up and answer it.

If I just ignore them long enough, they'll leave and I can go back to wallowing in self pity. That's all I really want to do right now, since I can't go to work.

"Deku! If you don't open this door right now, I'll blast it open!" Came the muffled voice of Kacchan.

Wait. Kacchan? What's he doing here? Is he here to check up on me?

That's not like him.

I still had no urge to open the door. I knew I should with Kacchan banging on it, threatening to tear it down. Knowing him, he would, but it's not like I really care. It's just a door after all.