Goodbye My Delusion | TXT Beomgyu

27

"When he comes in, scream 'Beomgyu' as loud as you can."

Yeonjun's instructions come in a hushed whisper, and I prepare myself through several deep breaths and a hand placed in the center of my chest.

"I've never surprised anyone with a cake before," I say.

"Don't worry," Huening Kai says. "We're experts at this."

"Of course we are," says Taehyun. "We have five birthdays to celebrate between us, so it's only expected."

We wait in the studio with the balloons hung from the center of the walls, our party hats on, and the streamers in hand. We'll all pull on the blowers at the same time, hopefully covering the room in handfuls of multicolored confetti. As the minutes pass, I take the time to attempt to calm my racing heart. I'm worried that Beomgyu won't accept this grand proposal of an apology. I curse my ability to be in a constant state of self-doubt, closing my eyes for a quick prayer that God will somehow move Beomgyu to forgive me.

Footsteps sound in the corridor. Then, the door handle turns. Yeonjun signals to everyone in the room to stay quiet, as he switches the light off. The room turns pitch black. My breathing hitches at the simulation of pure midnight.

"BEOMGYU!"

We all scream as he enters the room and switches on the light switch. His face goes through multiple rounds of emotions—switching from confused to shocked to overjoyed.

"A party?" he says, right after the five of us pull our blowers, filling the room with miniature streamers and confetti. Taehyun lights the candles of the cake, a black forest covered in chocolate shavings and sprinkles. "It's no one's birthday...."

"We're celebrating you anyway," Taehyun says. "Quick, blow on your candles."

Beomgyu leans over, extinguishing the flames with a quick breath. "No, seriously. What's the occasion?"

Soobin, beside me, elbows against my side. He raises his brows in expectation. "Beomgyu..." I start, not sure how to fully explain our impromptu cake party. "I want to ask you for your forgiveness. I was a really bad friend, and I should've told you about Naomi and Joyce immediately."

Beomgyu stays silent for a while. His eyes shift from the cake to his members and eventually to me. Then, his expression twists up and tears fall from his eyes. He hides his face in his palms and turns away.

"Aw, what is this?" Yeonjun takes steps toward his brother and pulls an arm around his shoulders. "There's nothing for you to cry about."

Beomgyu sniffs, catching his breath in rapid spurts, and my heart burns at the sight. "I didn't expect you to apologize, Jayden," he says. "I'm the one who should apologize. It's because of me that you were bullied."

Yeonjun looks back at me with an I told you so face. He told me that Beomgyu would blame himself most of all, and I guess he was right in the end. Still, I can't hide the bursts of regret that end up lodged in my core, right under my chest and pained heart.

"Beomgyu, please don't cry." I move forward, wanting to stop him from feeling pain. I'm completely clueless, never having to comfort a crying individual before.

Huening Kai comes up behind me, his breath tickling my ear. "Jayden, hug him. Quick."

I can't do anything but follow the youngest's directions. I take several long strides as Yeonjun releases his grip from Beomgyu, and I cover the latter in an embrace that will hopefully heal him a fraction of what he's done for me with his music and presence as a roommate.

The four members sound off "Aww"s from behind me, and I melt as Beomgyu returns my hug with his own sturdy arms. I've never felt so accepted and belonged before. It's like TXT has opened their wings for a lost soul, and I'm coming under their refuge and soaking in all the warmth they can provide.

"Do you forgive me?" I ask.

Beomgyu's breath catches beside me. I feel his tears cascade down to my shoulder. "Jayden, I forgive you. Even though you have nothing to be sorry for. Do you forgive me too?"

I still beside him. "Forgive you for what?" I ask.

"I should've protected you," he says. "It was my greatest fear that one of my friends will be hurt because I'm an idol. Those girls wouldn't have targeted you if they didn't know of your involvement with me."

"It's okay." I strengthen my hug, bringing us even closer than ever before. His warmth intermingles with my own, and soon I feel like we will never grow apart. His body will always be next to mine, even though I'll leave in less than three weeks and we'll be separated by endless miles and ocean.

"You're a great friend," Beomgyu whispers. I almost miss it because he speaks the words into my jacket rather than in my ear.

"Let's get to this cake," Taehyun says. "Don't eat too much though, we have dance practice in less than an hour."

I devour a slice of black forest cake in TXT's presence, as Beomgyu's tears dry and he returns to the semblances of his old self. By the end of my slice, he's already cracking jokes with his members again. I laugh as he imitates Yeonjun's nasal singing, and soon I feel like I'm a part of their little family.

Back home, my brother often made me feel ostracized. When we were little, he teased my likings for girly pop songs, essentially questioning my masculinity every chance that he got. He made me feel like I needed to change. Like I was born in the wrong body, and I needed to redeem myself by liking different music, playing sports instead of dancing, by deepening my voice and walking in a more manly manner.

Here, I'm fully accepted. TXT doesn't comment on my obvious liking for Beomgyu. They just see it, pause, and move forward in their own paths as healing idols. They are truly grounded—people who accept others instead of casting judgment. They remind me of kids in elementary school, full of vitality and with pure hearts.

As sweetness covers my tongue and spirit, I admire Beomgyu's smile. I soak in the joy that radiates from the members of this band.