Goodbye My Delusion | TXT Beomgyu

32

Beomgyu has to head off to do some recording in the studio. "For the next album," he says it's for, giving me a short wink—he retreats quickly enough not to see me blush.

I exit the company building with full intention to head back to the dorm. A nap sounds really good right now, especially to relieve the stress of what @NJTXT has done to me. In my sleep, I can hopefully escape the painful reality that a bunch of Korean TXT fans harbor hate toward me.

Instead, I run into Soobin. He's sucking on a lollipop, looking intensely casual with a beige cardigan and worn black jeans. He greets me with a big smile and an even bigger wave above his head. "Jayden!" he says. "Jayden He!"

I have no choice but to turn toward him. His energy is infectious, so I end up grinning back even though life right now seems bleak and irredeemable.

"Are you doing okay?" Soobin asks. "Beomgyu told me everything that happened. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, in your summer exchange of all things."

Soobin has a laid-back, nonchalant vibe about him, and that helps me calm down and see things with perspective. "Don't worry about it, Soobin. As long as I'm alive, I can deal with it."

"That's a good mentality," Soobin says. "Hey, did you want to come with me to the bakery? I was going to eat something there and bring back treats for the members."

Because I'm not stupid and I realize my privilege of being able to know the TXT members, I agree to the idea immediately. We walk throughout the city of Gangnam, and I put the fear of being watched behind me. If Soobin can live through the constant threat of public scrutiny, then I can deal with it alongside him. I can at least pretend to be as strong and resilient as TXT's leader.

"It's one block from here," Soobin says, once we turn onto an unfamiliar street with a bunch of luxury shops, specialty salons, and bougie eateries.

I have to walk briskly to keep up with Soobin's long legs. Eventually, we make it to the bakery. The place is a bright dreamland, with eggshell walls and fairy lights decorating every corner and inch of the ceiling. The place is made complete with leather seats, oak tables, and a humongous display of freshly baked goods—everything from chocolate croissants to egg tarts and pieces of apple pie. Soobin groans in delight at the sight. My mouth begins to water at the buttery smells.

"Choose anything you want," Soobin says. "I'll pay for it."

I wonder what good I did for God to bless me with members of TXT looking out for me. Even with my protests, Soobin still insists on paying. He treats me to a strawberry smoothie and a fruit tart. For himself, he gets a piece of cheesecake with a cherry lemonade.

"I love this place," Soobin says, taking a huge bite after we're sat down by the brightest window. "I used to come here all the time as a trainee. Huening Kai loves the egg tarts here."

I nod, taking in Soobin's relaxed airwaves. He's truly the picture of a calm leader, and I have no doubt of his abilities to lead the team in a wholesome manner. "How do you do this?" I ask, no longer able to hide my curiosity.

Soobin licks his spoon, eyeing me. "Do what?"

"Be an idol," I say. "I only got a small taste of what it's like for strangers to talk about me online. But you face things like that every day."

Soobin bobs his head. "I do face a lot of negativity online. Even in person sometimes. But I learned to keep myself grounded."

"How do you do that?" I ask. I realize I'm in desperate need of tips on how to survive in a world where people I don't know are aware of my name and existence.

"I just stopped caring," Soobin says. "I realize that there are always going to be people who dislike you for no reason. I just push them to the side."

"Isn't that kind of hard to do?" I ask.

Soobin thinks for a while, tapping his spoon against his lips. "It is. But my best advice is to focus on the people who love you and care for you. Nothing matters except those people. People like your family and true friends. If you only care about them and their happiness, everything else kind of fades into the background. Even the most loud and obnoxious haters."

"Thank you," I say. I take a bite of my fruit tart, my eyes widening at the bursts of sweet and sour flavors. "That's really good advice. And this is a really good tart."

"Right?" Soobin laughs, leaning his head back. "I told you that you would enjoy it. You know, it's one of my greatest gifts to introduce people to pastries they've never had before."

I take in Soobin's relaxed posture, his ability to tune out the world and only care about the people who love him. "Soobin, I really admire you," I say.

His eyebrows raise. "Huh?"

"You're able to look after your members and yourself," I say. "You're a really strong person for doing so."

Soobin waves his spoon in front of my face. "I'm not as strong as you think. But Jayden, I also see you as a strong person. Look at you, still hanging out with me even after those two mean girls threatened you."

I have no choice but to laugh. "I guess I am making a kind of brave statement now."

Like our words were cursed, a click goes off from behind me.

Soobin uses his hands to hide his face, but it's too late. I know that a picture of us was taken, and I have no courage to turn around to face the perpetrator.

"I think we were just caught just now," Soobin says. He sighs, revealing his face again. "Oh well."

Despite myself, I start to laugh. Soobin reminds me of a koala, adapting to the falls and winds of life. Soon, he can't help but join me in laughing. I laugh until I can hardly take more bites of my tart, until the darkness of the last few days fade away for a brighter morning.