A Forbidden Act

Part 8 - Doubts

When Sharon returned to her bedroom, she sat at her desk and lay her head on her arms. She didn't even bother to wipe the tears from her eyes. Why would she? No one was there to see her. No one. A realisation came upon her. Why was no one there? Because she rejected them. Her father. Sophie. And Tarja. At the sole thought of her name, a small sob escaped her lips. Now she really regretted ever letting go of the woman she loved.

"Milady? I am coming in."

Sharon heard the door open ans close behind her, but she didn't turn around, she stayed there, numb. She heard a gasp.

"Milady! What are you doing, what is wrong?!" Sophie ran to her lady and crouched to be at her level. Sharon still didn't move. She stared blankly into Sophie's eyes, as she went deeper and deeper into a dark pit of sorrow and guilt. She tried to whisper, but no sound came out.

"Milady, please, talk to me..."

Sharon kept ignoring her for a moment, then suddenly sat upright, smiling. She needed Sophie to get out, and the best way for that was to lie and pretend.

"I'm okay. Sorry, I was daydreaming." she grinned.

Sophie looked perplex, but didn't add a word.

"In any case, I'm to help you with the hot water for your bath."

Sharon sighed, but she couldn't refuse, as Sophie would know something was definitely wrong.

About a half hour later, Sharon was alone again, on her bed. The sun was setting slowly. Sharon closed her eyes. Tarja. Her eyes flicked open again. Stop it. It's useless. Thinking about her won't change anything. The brunette stood up, picked up her violin case and walked to the gardens. She held her breath and walked faster past Tarja's room. Just as she heard the door click open, she turned round a corner. Thank Goodness. Steadying her breath, Sharon started walking again and soon arrived in the gardens. The sun was already a little lower in the orange sky, but she couldn't care less. She lay the case on the ground, next to "their" bench, took out the violin and its bow, and started softly stroking the strings. The movements of her arm were getting faster, and soon she was playing a masterpiece. But the music suddenly stopped as Sharon dropped the bow and quickly pivoted round. She had felt someone watching her.

"Hello...?"

No answer. She must've been mistaken. Sighing, she picked up her bow and set back everything in the case. It was night already anyway. No point staying out and getting cold. After having packed everything, she walked back to her room, feeling better already. However, she sped past Tarja's door. When she closed the door behind her, she lit a candle, put away her violin and changed into her night gown. As she started to get under the covers she noticed something on her desk. A scrap of paper. Curious, but also anxious, she went to examine it. A few words were written upon it.

"I hope you will be better soon, lady.
-- Sophie."

For some reason, Sharon's chest hurt. Not from being touched, no... More like... Disappointment. Who had she hoped it would be from? She knew the answer to that. But how had they gone from never letting go from eachother to avoiding eachother in such a short amount of time?

Sharon was shaken awake violently. She opened her eyes and groaned.

"Eh, wha-what...?"

"Thank God you're alive!" the person sounded relieved beyond belief.

Sharon sat up sluggishly, opening her eyes.

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be... "

Sharon opened up her eyes completely and saw Sophie at the side of the bed, a look of worry on her face.

"I knocked and called you but you weren't moving and-"

"Sophie..."

"I panicked and I came into the room and saw you there and-"

"Sophie."

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have woken you like so but-"

"Sophie!"

The maid stopped talking, embarrassed and still worried.

"I'm fine, Sophie. Thank you. I didn't wake up because I was a little tired, that is all."

She wasn't lying. Not really. She was tired, but not "a little". She had stayed up all night, thinking. Thinking of all the apologies she could make, but none seemed to fit. She still didn't know what to say. Sophie broke the silence.

"Well, with all that, your family and the guests are already at breakfast, milady. Shall we get you changed?"

Twenty minutes later, Sharon was ready for the day with a beautiful dress, jewels and make up. However the brunette had no wish to go there. Tarja would surely be there. She had missed a dinner, she couldn't miss another. Sharon breathed in and out slowly, steadied her shaking hands, and walked out of the room, into the corridors. The stretch seemed endless, but she made it, her head spinning like a cartwheel by the end. She felt like time itself stopped when she saw the black and straight hair, and those oh, so familiar emerald eyes. Sharon had to bite her tongue to stop herself from running to the woman she loved. Tarja seemed exhausted, but she was laughing. Laughing and talking with her brother, Timo. Sharon felt both delighted to see her and jealous. But as soon as their eyes met, every trace of smile disappeared from Tarja's face, and the light went out of her eyes. The guilt that Sharon experienced at that moment was indescribable. She cleared her throat quietly and sat at her seat, facing Tarja.

"Good morning, Sharon." Jan said loudly, as to make her notice she had been rude with her tardiness and silence.

"Good morning, father. Everyone." She answered.

As plates were served to her, Sharon had trouble not looking at Tarja, but it was obvious that the woman in front of her was not making any effort to look away from Sharon. The brunette could feel Tarja's gaze on her. She glanced at her and what she saw was like a stab in the chest. Yes, Tarja was looking at her. But nothing more. It was almost as if she was looking right through her. No feelings could be seen in those pools of deep green. Sharon's head started spinning again, and she had trouble keeping her eyes open. Suddenly, she stood up, making the feet of the chair screech on the floor. Everything was spinning. Voices were meddled in her head. Her breathing echoed in her ears. Her knees buckled and she fell to the ground.

"...she okay?..... doctor..... ....thank you....."
".....nothing..... worry.... ... exhaustion...."
"...... bother........... marriage?....."
The voices disappeared along with Sharons senses.

When Sharon awoke, the first thing she saw was her father, bent over her. Then she felt pain in her throat, like some dryness.

"W-water...." she croaked.

Sophie hurriedly filled a glass with water and gave it to Jan, who made Sharon drink it softly. It instantly made her feel better.

"Well. Now she is awake, I shall return to work. Please look after her, Sophie." Before leaving, the man placed a soft kiss on his daughter's forehead, then walked out. Sharon was left alone with Sophie. She gestured for her to come closer.

"Tell me, Sophie..." She spoke quietly. "Did... Did Tarja come to see me?" Sharon asked, her heart clenching in anticipation of the response.

"Not entirely... She came at the door, watched you for a few minutes but then her brother, your future husband, came and they left together."

Sharon didn't understand. It was as if the world was against her. Tarja ignored her, and on top of that she was close with Timo, the man who hit her...? What was going on?

It was decided. Sharon was going to talk to Tarja. Alone.