Make Me Your Famous Pasta 😏

Ian Lightfood x Alfredo Linguini

Plot: Alfredo isn't so sure about his relationship with coulette. His hat says yes but his body says no 😔

       "Idiote! Are you even listening to me right now? Linguini!" Colette bitch slapped Alfredo like the French woman she is and snapped him back into reality.
       Alfredo was lost in thought before the French bitch smacked him. He couldn't help to wonder if... this was what he really wanted... if Colette was the woman he wanted.
       "Sorry! What were you saying?" Alfredo inquired. "Ugh, what has gotten into you recently?" "...Remy. He's uh, he's gotten a food coma from all the cheese we gave him this morning. He's currently napping on the kitchen counter..." "Okay, I'm just going to head to bed then. You're clearly in your own world right now and aren't interested." "Colette I-" Colette slammed the door and Alfredo knew... he was forced to spend the night on the couch.
        Alfredo walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to wake up Remy, "Bro wtf?" Remy asked, half awake, whiskers untamed. "Remy... I don't think Colette's the one anymore. What if someone else out there is the missing piece that connects to my heart? Someone who excites me and I never grow bored of. Someone who doesn't... call me a little bitch and smacks me if you're not controlling my every move. Maybe we should..." Alfredo dramatically put his fist up to the ceiling and shut his eyes, and with his whole heart poured out, cried, "Part our ways... Colette seems to like you more anyways..."
      Remy stood his fat cheese eating ass up and pulled the big-nosed nerd by the shirt collar, looked him dead in the eyes, pointed his little crusty ass rat finger at him and firmly said, "Pull your shit together, pasta man! You signed up for this, you ain't leaving me now. Your ass is stuck with me! Colette wants a human, not some stinky- no I'm not stinky, we all know that. I smell better than you, you reek. She doesn't want a rat, is what I'm getting at here. I, for one, want to always and forever want to be with that gorgeous French woman, even though I don't know half of what she's saying, but she sounds angry and I love the fiesty ones. Now, put that hat on and ket me hop on in so we can do things against your will!"
      Alfredo had fear fill his eyes and had Remy let go of his shirt and backed away, "Woah man! Not cool. Dick move!" Remy just shrugged in response. "That's it. I cant do this anymore, Remy! I'm leaving and calling my laywer to meet with him so I can sign the divorce papers. I'm so glad I signed a prenup, that way neither of you get any of my sweet sweet chedda!"
       Remy was livid at Alfredo's proposal. He leaped onto Alfredo's head and pulled on his hair and Alfredo flicked Remy off and then grabbed him while he fell in thin air, punted him like a football onto the stove, and then brought in the HEAT, baby!
      Remy was fried and Alfredo ate him and said, "mmm yummy for my tummy." -AND OKAY NO I'M REWRITING THIS SHIT LMFAO
      and then grabbed him while he fell in thin air and punted him like a football, across the kitchen. Top 100 anime betrayals. Remy was knocked the f out and Alfredo felt a sense of guilt and regret, but then thought to himself soon after, "Nahhh f that guy, bitch was fake af."
      So, Alfredo went on his own journey to discover himself and went to pay his lawyer a visit before discovering his destiny. Wait, oh shit. I forgot. He doesn't have a lawyer, he shares one with Remy. So, instead he just shrugged it off and walked to the post office and wrote his dear wife Colette a very long and beautifully written letter:
      "My dearest Colette,
I'm leaving you lmao f's in chat. No pogs here. The French are assholes anyways.
        Lol RIP,
Alfredo Linguini"
        Alfredo then handed the letter to the post man, idk I've never done that idk how it works, and set off on his adventure. During Alfredo's long travels of pure nothingness and boring people, he suddenly, after being in the middle of nowhere for so long, found a mysterious looking portal to a world unknown to him, and as dumbasses do, Alfredo just trotted right on into it, saying goodbye to the world he once knew, "Meh, fuck it."
There it was,
✨🧞‍♂️a whole new world🧞‍♂️✨ full of weird ass trash unicorns and magical people. Alfredo was in awe at the sight of it all. After all, he used to have a rat controlling him, so this doesn't surprise him in the slightest. He noticed the unusual stares being given to him by the people who lived there, they weren't used to...humans...
As Alfredo was strolling along in the middle of the road, as you do, he bumped into a tall and mysterious stranger, and the stranger fell. Alfredo then saw the stranger's beautiful blue face and stretched out his arm to help him up. When the stranger got back up, with the help of Alfredo, he nervously tucked his hair behind his ear, bit his lip HARD, squinted his eyes, and furrowed his eyebrows, "Hey, I'm Ian. Ian Lightfoot." Alfredo blushed, "I-I'm Alfredo. Alfredo Linguini."
Alfredo then had a deep inner monologue about this blue man and looked up at him dramatically and said, "Ian I-I-I I think I-I love you." "R-really?! I-I think I love you too 👉🏻👈🏻"
Then the two passionately kissed and whatever and Ian took Alfredo by the hand and dragged him to his house to meet his mother and said, "We're getting married, and you can't stop us!" His mother, sitting on the couch watching The Drunk Mom's Podcast, looked up at him and said, "Okay, whatever." And the two boys left the house and his mother grabbed the bottle of tequila hidden by her foot and chugged the whole damn thing like the #girlboss she is and said, "That kid is the reason I drink."
The two boys frolicked in the magical fields and all of a sudden as they entered the church to get married, they saw GASP Remy and Colette at the alter. Remy turned and gave Alfredo a death stare and then pulled out a MACHINE GUN and spit out the toothpick in his mouth like a gangster and shot Alfredo and Ian cried out, "Who even are you?!" Remy shrugged and said, "Uhhh.... Your worst nightmare." "Oh, ok." And then Ian ran up to Alfredo's body and Alfredo said, "That Rat's a dick." And Ian laughed softly and held onto Alfredo's bullet wounds and cried, "You smell like burnt pasta.... I-I never even got to taste your pasta 😏😔" "Bro wtf, you mean MY pasta??" Remy shouted, "This guy is total dog shit at cooking, I'm the master mind." "Is this true, Alfredo Linguini?!" "...Yes, BUT WE SIGNED A CONTRACT ON THAT SO YOU WOULDN'T TELL PEOPLE!" "We are no longer partners, comrade, remember?" "I didn't even sign the divorce papers!" "Don't worry I did it for you. Colette and I are now gonna have rat babies." "Ew gross."
Ian then murmured under his breath, "Bibppity boppity, you're not allowed to die-ity." "Damn okay well if YOU say sooo~" Alfredo replied and his bullet wounds disappeared and splurted out pixie dust or whatever and the two got married and Alfredo bitch slapped Colette and punted Remy like a football at the wall and then him and Ian cooked him and made rat pasta and gave birth to Squidward (Alfredo is the mom) and then Alfredo died while giving birth and then the blue man group guy Ian died of heartbreak like Padme in Star Wars and they... lived happily ever after??

Author's note: Umm if you're asking yourself, "What the hell did I just read?" Good, you're normal. I rushed the ending because it was just getting worse the more and more I wrote or even thought about that to right next, and I don't have the time to make this longer, I have work to do lmao. If you read this: #1 Why? #2 Are you okay? #3 It's okay me neither.
I hope this story makes you want to bleach your eyes or get the men in black to erase what you just read, because I'm going to pretend I never wrote this or spent an hour making the cover for it in photo shop 😃
Will I be doing this again? ...absolutely!

Edit: OH ALSO WE FORGOT THAT IAN WAS A MINOR SO PRETEND HE ISN'T FUUUUU-
...pretend he's the same age as Alfredo
👁💧👄💧👁