READ MY MIND

9

tw suicidal ideation

please don't
tell me
you
don’t love me.
i've been tossed around and
thrown out
so many times.
i should be
colder;
i shouldn't
keep putting myself
in harm's way
for others.
but all i want—
all i've ever really wanted—
was love.
unconditional,
unbreakable,
unadulterated.
but never has it truly been proven
that it's what i deserve.
so maybe
my yearning is in vain,
maybe my yearning
is selfish.
maybe
i will never be loved
as i so desire.
maybe my fates lie in something
darker,
something more dire,
something not of this earth.
maybe i deserve to die;
unloved and
grasping for something
that isn't there.
something that was never there.
if so be the case,
why stay?
it has only brought
pain.
i'm tired
of feeling like this, of feeling
worthless.
but i don't truly want to die,
i just want to stop
hurting.
i want to stop
getting hurt
by those who i thought
would never have the heart to
do the things they've to me.
when will
i be able to stop
rolling over and taking this
for nothing more than
an ounce of
attention,
less than a fraction
of affection.
will i ever truly be able to escape
this cycle of abuse?
or is it
my destiny
to be chewed up
and spit out
by everyone i've ever loved.
and i know
if i end up in another grave
i won't have
the strength to
claw my way out again.
i'm not
beyond saving yet,
but the clock is ticking
and i don't see
anyone coming to my rescue.