Running Screaming

Pain In Love

I never knew what true pain felt like until this moment in my time. Having let Lia go, I now constantly felt like the walls were closing in. I was dragged through a dark, unsuspecting hell. I felt like when I took each breath, I was being stabbed under the ribs. My very existence brought pain. I felt unnecessary, unwanted, unneeded and unloved. The trauma I kept enduring... I was told that he loved me and that was why I was being treated in such a way. I needed to know that I was valid, and dragged through the pits of hell, I sought it where I shouldn't. Having watched my step father abuse my mother and in turn doing the same to me, I had more tolerance than I should.

But the little bit of safety in the pain cracked. We moved to a place called Norwalk Wisconsin, and lived not even a block from the bar and there was one also across the street. The small town had a second hand store, Ice cream shop, Hispanic goods store, two bars, a library and only One cop on duty. So it was no surprise when Andy began to visit the bar more and more often. And it was no  surprise when he was getting sick-drunk every night after work. Not even when he came home in a screaming fit because he wasn't satisfied with something. I learned to cook, something my mother had been unable to teach me before. I learned how live, even when I didn't want to. I learned some skills that were needed to move forwards.

But in my heart was this stifling, suffocating anxiety, the panic attacks increasing in both size and strength. The horrible acrid taste left a stain on my self confidence and my courage. The stain burned bitterly in the inside of my heart. I began to fear people. The crippling feeling of fear made me suffocate. I didn't know what I wanted, but living with it was akin to driving the nails in the coffin myself. I walked though my life nearly emotionless, not knowing what I wanted to have in my future. I was constantly trying to make others happy. Andy thought I was worthless because I wasn't making him any money. So I went out and applied everywhere. It took until December of 2016, but finally I found one. And my first friend in forever. 

When Shell did my interview, I could feel a kindness with her that I wasn't used to. And that terrified me. I was afraid of nice people, because thus far in my life, the people who were nice always ended up stabbing me in the back. The bitter, choking anxiety came back during my interview, and I don't know how I got through it. I don't know how I got hired that day at the Walmart Sparta Wisconsin Subway, but I did. They hired me, Shell hired me. And from that time on, for a few hours a day, I gained a safe haven. 

For a few short hours a day, I got to get away and I could talk to someone. I felt safe. But when I came home, the abuse continued. Andy now grew smarter. When he fought with me, if I could get my arms or legs on him, I walked away the winner. So he learned... If he could pin me to the floor, I was helpless. And he did. On nights that we get into it and I resorted to Self defense, he would sit on my chest, knees pinning my arms in place as he pinned my face to the floor.

He would pinch my nose shut and cover my mouth, holding it there until I suffocated, passing out from lack of air. Then he would have his way with my body while I was out. I woke to my body hurting, my ass bleeding, and cum leaking from holes I didn't allow him to use awake. My life had become hell. I was starving, feeding him my lunch because that was all I was good for. I was a dumpster, someone he dumped his baggage in because it was convenient. It hurt. The pain I was in, it made me feel sick, but I was helpless. 

I begged for more hours, always sore and bruised, hurting too bad to work, but doing so anyways because if I didn't make Andy extra money, the treatment was worse. It was so much worse. There were screaming matches, me trying to validate myself. I tried to leave several times, and each time he told me he would try to be a better man. That he loved me. I was foolish. I believed it. The storms came, I was stuck. I felt like if I left, if I walked away everything would all be for nothing.