Running Screaming

Fighting

Sometimes I look back and wonder what I was thinking, why I stayed for so long. But I know now, that was what was destined to be. I wish someone would have pulled me from the burning building that was my life. I wish they had made that choice for me. But I kept diving right back in. I would catch small glimpses of the good man that Andy was sheltering somewhere deep inside of his heart and right back in I went, determined to conquer the burning building that was our relationship, desperately trying to rescue him. I tried.

I kept chasing him, the battered flaming walls of our relationship scarring me, burning me every time I kept trying to reach out. And Even knowing it was going to happen, in doing so I never stopped. The small stolen moments of happiness and passion kept me going past the point of return. Who come love something so damaged? But I saw value in his life no matter how many times I got torn asunder. No matter how many times my heart was plucked from my chest. If I could just be strong it would all work out in the end.

Had I actually understood, I would have known that I was truly strong. Not for holding on, but because despite constantly being taken apart, despite the battered and tired woman I had become, I still held the power to love deeply and irrevocably. To love with such a pure presence, not expecting it in return even knowing the person you love is going to hurt you, that they continue to do so? It might be foolish and pointless, but it also took true courage and strength. One that most people do not possess, and the loyalty? It only hurt me deeply.

But knowing this, never stopped me. I kept loving like my life was on the line. It was do or die. I served him like he was a king, down on my knees begging for the love. If only I could hold on, something would give. We would be together forever and everything would get better. I only saw him, loyal and faithful to a fault, just like the dog I was treated to be. I worked my ass off, when he spent his money, he took what I made. I was barely making 9 dollars an hour, always completely broke.

I gave him every last scent, and it was never enough. But I held on, I gripped desperately with tired aching fingers. I tried to make things work. I was the only one walking across a seemingly endless bridge, trying to cross the other side because I knew he wouldn't meet me in the middle. And I am not perfect. I know that. I was clingy, temperamental and outspoken. But I loved and I cried and I cared. I kept pushing through. I kept fighting to get through each day. There were a few good days. But most were bad now. 

I changed myself so many times trying to make things work, the woman in my heart demanding to keep going even when I wanted to quit. I hate myself for staying. But things progressively got worse. The truth was waiting for me to open the door and let it in. But every time it knocked, I ignored it, waiting until it hid around the corner to keep pushing on throughout my life. The thing is that I simply kept getting back up, repeating the process day after day as I tried to live the best that I could. 

I was dragged through a hell that was warping me, I began to want to leave. I wanted to walk away from all the fighting, not knowing what to do with myself. Nothing was right anymore. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. I still couldn't escape. But it was coming. The end of the relationship was nearing and I just had no Idea how real it was about to become for me. I had no idea how bad my life was about to change, and for better or worse, I was going to be forever changed.

New years of 2018 I was working a long shift at Subway. No one else was available to work as I fell sick with the flu. I was constantly throwing up as I was closing, beginning to spike a fever. My boss had wanted me to come by to help her pick up a dog, but my coworker Kai did in my place, the two girls going together before I got out. Andy picked me up from work, but by the time he had come around, I was feverish, nauseous and dehydrated, well into the stages of the flu by that point.