Running Screaming

Leaving

I was awake all night that night. The words Andy had said rang in my ears like a sick mantra that desiccated my soul. It was time. I was finally ready to walk away and get as far as I could from him. I was ready to leave. Actually and truly ready to walk away this time, ready to not come back. I tossed and turned all night, tense beside the sleeping man next to me. I was afraid to close my eyes. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to sleep I wouldn't wake the next morning.

My pain surfaced, the ragged edges I had buried deep cutting back into me. I wasn't happy. Sure, I had wanted another child, but I had decided before I got pregnant that I didn't want it with him. I had wanted to save. To run away from the man causing all the pain in my life. My heart was a complicated place, covered in scars. I no longer trusted, afraid to touch the fire that had well and truly burned me so many times already. I was numb on the inside, the only emotions I now felt were pain and fear.

I couldn't breathe. I was choking, and invisible hand wrapped around my throat as it cut off my air. The anxiety was a long, never ending black hallway that spin, they eyes of my inner demons glowing hatred red in the dark. I needed to free myself, but I needed to do it carefully. I played with my hands all night, feeling like my skin was crawling alive. The anxiety was crippling. I needed to be able to walk free in the light again. The voice I had silenced years ago was beating inside, my soul finally screaming to taste freedom again. 

The feeling lifted me, gave me courage to get through that awful night. The memories haunt me in my sleep. I will probably never sleep right again remembering everything that went down. It's all fucked up. I was going to be with him until the world blows up. But everything cracked and the walls came tumbling down. I was faced with the truth. Five years. Five of them, and it only got worse as time progressed. Things were never going to be okay between Andy and I. Never. It wasn't going to get better. If I stayed, I would die. 

It would all be for what? That sweet taste of freedom was coming, but it wasn't going to taste sweet. It was going to be like a sour patch kid gummy. But the sour would last so long that when the sweet finally hit, I was going to question what flavor it was, because all I knew was the sour. I will never ever forget the moment that I got up the next morning. I had maybe acquired thirty minutes to an hour of sleep over that night. I looked and felt terrible. But I still got out of bed.

I had to work, I couldn't call in. I got ready, then got into another fight with  Andy. Thankfully, he didn't hit me this time. Instead, he got into his car, slammed the door and locked it, speeding off and leaving me on the street, crying because he was my only ride to work. My neighbors were kind and they had a car, but it didn't always work. They also usually did not have gas. I did not have any money until the next morning. I had to borrow. Andy had locked me out of the apartment. I did something stupid.

I had my neighbors come up to the building I lived in, three stories high and bring me a ladder. I climbed, despite the risk to myself and my child I climbed that ladder. All the way to the roof of the building. Then I went in through my kitchen window. Something had burned a few days ago when Andy cooked dinner, and I never locked my window when I closed it, allowing myself to slide it open and dive through the window, falling into my kitchen sink and onto the linoleum floor. It hurt, but I needed to get my shit and get out.

While I was in there, I got my phone and called my dad. Finally, I admitted I needed help. It wasn't as hard. I could finally speak. But it wasn't over. It couldn't be that simple. Instead of giving my boss the 2 week notice I wanted, that night was the only night my father could come get me. He didn't live in the same state. He lived in Kentucky, and he was in New York, visiting my family I had never met up there. He could come get me but only that day.

I didn't have a choice, it was his way or I would be stuck here with no where to go, stuck in Wisconsin reliving my pain every day. I took the safe route. I had him pack to come get me. I packed what I could in the backpack I held my laptop in, determined to stay the night at Subway if I had to. I only was going to come back to get my dogs who couldn't go with me. Leaving downstairs, I promised I would be back for my dogs. I wasn't going to leave them behind. Not there with Andy. No.