Running Screaming

Healing

It's been three years since I wrote this. Time has passed. I am 1 more child deeper. I am no longer in therapy. I was for about 4 and a half years. I should probably go back. I am processing things on my own. The way I go through my life blurs the line of self denial.

I put myself last still. I fight to remember that my thoughts and feelings are valid. But I learned to be angry at my own expense. I learned to know my self worth and to stop seeking validation, because only I can determine what I am worth and only I can decide how others make me feel. I learned not to care, to let go. To take a deep breath and close my eyes. To shut off feeling when it gets to be too much so that when I finally get a quiet minute, I can process.

 I have forgiven my abuser. He is able to watch his daughter grow up even though he is not in her life currently by my choice. He has changed. His last relationship has just ended and he never laid a hand on her. I am happy for him. I am happy that he has grown as a person. I still do not trust him. He will not meet her. Not yet. She doesn't know that Kaleb is not her father. I never told her. I will some day, but I value letting her be a child more right now. 

I wish Andy happiness... Everyone deserves to be happy. I learned many lessons over the last few years. I've blocked a lot out, and rereading this has opened my eyes. I still have depression. I am in fact Bipolar. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression, my mental health issues are actually the reason for my seizures. It's called Psychogenic nonepileptic Seizure Disorder. I have a Service Dog who has actually saved my life on two different occasions. Once during a seizure and once while pregnant with my now two year old son. I almost died from eclampsia, my blood pressure 180/110. 

I gave birth to a beautiful 2 pound 5 oz little boy nearly 9 weeks early who is deaf, neurologically and developmentally delayed, does not sit up, walk or crawl. He's one of the biggest reasons for me smiling through my depression, one of the only reasons for my happiness. My daughter is now 6. I am republishing my story, hopefully to bring hope to others that you can leave. You can walk away. It gets worse before it gets better, but by leaving, I opened so many doors. I am still with the man who helped me put myself back together. 

I regret so many things, but I don't regret walking away. The choice I made saved my life. I will always live with my trauma and my depression. I will always have my doubts. I will continue to feel it. I will always wonder about what would have happened had I left sooner. But I wouldn't go back and do it over. Because If I did, I would lose all the progress I made as I became the person I was always meant to be. 

The suffering is bearable. I no longer have to shoulder it alone. I have friends in my close circle that mean absolutely everything to me. Two other women I talk to every single day, one that has been my friend for over 25 years, and the other that I have been through when she went through a somewhat similar experience whom we both show up for one another every single day. Who has proven I can let people into my circle without getting hurt. 

My life is not perfect. I am a stay at home mom. Not out of choice, but from necessity. I can't leave my home without having anxiety attacks. I am unable to work due to the crippling anxiety and the meds that I am on alter how my brain works. My son is unable to eat by mouth and is tube fed and requires a lot of constant care. 

But I am doing it. I am working through it. I am fighting for myself and showing up for myself every single day. I am not a perfect parent. I don't have the patience, the gentleness or the grace that I see everyone else possess. I cuss too much and I am emotionally constipated. I don't know how to express myself in a healthy manner.... But the people currently in my life know this and have stuck around anyways. 

I am no longer alone. 

I cannot teach my daughter many things, there are not many things I want her to take away from me... But if she does take away anything, I want to teach her how to keep going. How to keep getting back up and to throw that right hook to life, because She can take and give as good as she gets and she can keep going because no matter what, her mommy never gave up. Her mommy kept getting back up and fought to be here. And that it is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to feel down, but that I will always be here to steer her in the right direction, to pick her up like my family never did for me. 

Because I AM A SURVIVOR. Only I get to determine my self worth. Only I can determine who I allow to affect me and who gets to be in my life. Only I am capable of making those calls. And I will no longer tolerate treatment less than what I know I deserve. Because who really decides that anyways? People will only treat you how you tolerate them to. 

I laugh. I write. I sing. I close my eyes and dream. 

I am not completely better. But I am ready to look towards the light. I am ready to see the good in life again. I am proud of myself for how far I have come. And I know I am going to be okay no matter what comes my way, because regardless, I am in control. I make those calls. And if it ever gets bad again... I know I can walk away. I did it once. I am strong enough to do it again. 

Please, never let someone else determine your worth. Love yourself more. Learn to smile again. Learn to laugh, Learn to live. The world is a better place with you in it. And if you are ever in a situation like I was in... Please leave. It. is. that. simple. 

I know it is easier said than done. But the freedom you gain is worth the price you pay. I would know. I did. And I am finally free. Maybe I'll write another chapter in the future and update my life. Maybe not. But right now? I might be depressed, but I know I will be okay. Because I am more myself than I have ever been. 

Thank you for reading my story, 

YunaYukimura.