Running Screaming

Regret

In the beginning of the time that I had left, for whatever reason I felt immense regret, second guessing my choice. I hid away from the world, shutting everyone out. I wasn't ready to heal. I didn't think I deserved to in any case. I didn't think that anything I had gained by leaving was deserved. I had wanted a baby, but not this way. Not with him. I had wanted to find a way out, but felt helpless as to how. I never in a million years would have imagined that this was how I was going to walk away.

I never could have imagined it. But slowly, I was drifting away from him, learning to let go on my own. But I hadn't been ready. Even an unsafe relationship had felt more safe and familiar in the environment I currently found myself in. Even though the people I was now around were aware of the abuse and gentle with me, my cousin Tae and her household she was patient with me. She did her best to draw me out of my shell, dragging me places with her. This I was okay  with because I was afraid to be alone.

She slowly dragged me places, buying me necessities like Prenatal vitamins, underwear and socks because I had none. Dog food, and small things I needed. She quietly stood by and watched over me as long as she could, silently watching, not judging. There was no harsh words or criticism from her. She just let me be me. Not that I really knew who I even was anymore at that point. I was at that stage where I had been with Andy for so long that I had no idea what my identity was without him. Not one freaking clue. 

I was lost in a world where Andy no longer existed to torment me. The peace was stifling, I honestly didn't know what to do with it. Just who exactly was I? I had lost my passion for writing. For drawing. For wishing and for singing. I lost my love for anime. For myself. I walked through my life for the next several months in a daze. I didn't know what the point in life was. I felt an unbearable regret, wondering if I had made the right choice. Looking back now I was an idiot. 

I had become so dependent on the man who abused me, knowing what was coming was safe and unsafe at the same time. It was like a neurological poison, my body numb right there with my brain. I tried to go back. I tried to take Andy back, feeling like I would be nothing without him because that was what I had been conditioned to believe. We talked for two months after we called it quits. Me being myself, I wanted to try to make things work, because I felt like everything was all my fault. That being punished by abuse was necessary. 

I won't lie, he and I drifted apart completely. We stopped talking and I felt like an unrecognizable person. I was pushed to eat. I had lost 25 pounds only weeks into my pregnancy, not having the drive to do anything. Eating the bare minimum. I don't know how my baby turned out so healthy looking back at how I fell deep into that pit of black. There was no color in my life. Everything was gray. That dark blanket of mist clung to me like an oppressive cloud of smoke. I felt like I was suffocating inside, completely lost.

I had no idea where I was going. So at 5 months into my pregnancy I signed up for a Plenty Of Fish account. All I wanted was physical intimacy. I wanted to feel desired, and I wasn't looking for much. I didn't know what I wanted beyond that. I was terrified of men. I had been scarred in ways that left my soul in pieces. The pieces were then fed upon by the demons that choked me, taking what was left like an all you can eat buffet. I was at war inside. It wasn't a surprise that I got messages. 

One in particular caught my eye. The man was just 9 months younger than I, blonde hair and eyes the color of an angry deep water sea. The first thing I made him aware of was that I was pregnant. By this point, It was obvious to anyone who saw me. I had a large bump, my body more proud to show it off than I was. I had also just learned that my baby was female and not male, a fact that left me to cry. I hadn't wanted another girl. I didn't want a replacement for my Lia. 

The man I was messaging and calling back and forth for around a week or two finally asked me to meet up. I was skeptical, but I agreed to it. There was no guarantee that he would be anything like he was over text. And come to find out, he wasn't. He was way more awkward and adorably dorky. We clicked instantly. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to jump into anything right away. Still, I had met him on a site that was designed to connect people so they could fall in love with one another.