Poems From The Heart

Therapy session

What do you fear, the therapist asks me as I'm pulling at my clothes trying to look busy
I've never really thought about it I tell her

Maybe I fear death, I speak up to tell her

Not because I'm afraid of dying, but because I am afraid of where I'll end up
When I die will it just be like a black screen with just me there

Because that terrifies me

She jots this down in her notebook and looks back up to me
Why does this terrify you

I stop pulling on the sleeves of my jacket and speak to her

I'll be all by myself, left to my own thoughts
I don't hate myself I just tend to overthink myself to the brink of another episode or another eating disorder

She nods and suddenly says

You've thought this out well
Please continue

So I do as she says

Well I hate the quiet it's not really a fear, but it's something that makes me feel awkward
Yet I can sit quietly for hours as long as it's with him

He makes the quiet comfortable, I've never been comfortable in the quiet, but with him it's loud even in the quiet

The same way he tends to make me think about the future
I don't like thinking about the future it leaves me having to deal with a mental breakdown

I hear her pencil drop

Who is this "him" you speak of
And what do you feel when you're with him

I take a breath as she picks up her pen, he is the one who knows me, but doesn't know everything about me
He's the one who makes me laugh while in a depressive episode

He takes care of me where I don't see I need to take care of myself

She nods as she jots this down and looks back up at me
Does he scare you

I stare at the floor thinking of the right words to say

Yes he scares me, everyday he scares me
He scares me when he's out partying and drives home tipsy

Her writing stops as she continues to listen

He scares me when he makes me feel so comfortable
Scares me when he gets sad

That terrifies me because I never know what to do to make him feel better

It scares me when I have to imagine that he's next to me in order to fall asleep
It scared me when I realized I loved him

And it terrified me when he said he felt strongly about me, but didn't want to commit yet

She stares at me for a little longer before speaking
It sounds like you know what's going on

Seems like you're coping well with your mental illnesses, but I'd like to see you next week

Don't think so much try to find a way to distract yourself
Set a time to think and journal these thoughts

I'd like to read more of them they seem to sort themselves out in the end she says as she walks me to the waiting room

She gives me a smile and a wave goodbye
I return it feeling so much better than I did