dear death, ✓

awaiting.

dear death,

they say, "i want to die in my sleep."

that the best and only way to go is to go to sleep one night and not wake up- no pain, no worries.

a lot of people want to die of old age, in bed, surrounded by family.

however, i think dying in bed, one night, out of nowhere, is the worst kind of death for me. why is it that i think that way?

please, don't make me laugh. i think it's quite obvious.

old age? in bed? surrounded by family? how dreadful.

when you die in your sleep, your family is also asleep. they'll only know you're dead by the time they open their eyes and get out of bed. when they see that you're no longer breathing and not moving.

that is when they'll know you're dead.

surrounded by family? what a joke.

don't get me wrong, you are surrounded by family. but they're too late. you died, alone. in a world full of darkness and silence.

honestly..

i've been alone all my life.

sure, there were people with me. friends, family, but even so, i don't think any of them has truly seen- know me. as i am.

so, dying in bed? in your sleep, is the worst death for me.

i think i'd prefer, no, i know i'd prefer to die with someone.

not like that though. it's not what you think. what i meant was, for someone to kill me.

at least that way, i'm not alone.

still, in the end, you die alone. in darkness and silence.

yet, nobody truly knows what happens after death. only the dead will.

so, i can't wait for you to come and get me, death.

i wonder how and when i will die. i've always been curious.

sometimes, i even wish for you to come and get me now, whenever things are too hard for me.

when it's hard to breathe and the ringing is all i hear. how unnerving.

i think there's a word for it. thanatophobia. yeah, that.

in all honesty, i think i'm frightened. of you, death.

that's probably why i'm writing this.

life. live. friends. family. love. emotions. death. alone.

so annoying. so, so pesky. inconvenient. tiresome.

no.

i think, i'm writing this because i'm tired. exhausted. spent.

of life and everything else.

even if i'm scared, terrified of death. i know i'll be waiting for it.

death is inevitable.

that is why, i want to die with someone. i want someone to kill me. at least then, i won't die alone.

although, i know i'll end up being alone.

so, dear death,

i'll wait for you, for as long as i can. you're my only escape from this hellhole. madhouse.

see you soon.

yearning for you,
ty.

ps. this letter and the words written are my thoughts.
please ignore it, thank you :);