Maybe the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I don't want to hurt him.
He of course would want to do stuff with me, such as go out on dates, and Facetime and fall asleep together on Skype.
But the problem is I can't do these things.
I would be afraid of letting him down with my excuses.
"I'm sorry I can't go out to the mall today, my depression had told me to stay in my bed, I can't move without it punching me in the stomach and reminding me my mental health isn't at all too good to sustain interacting with people for more than an hour. I'm sorry for all the closure."
"I'm sorry I can't go to the coffee shop down town and see the art show you entered in this afternoon, my anxiety has grabbed hold and has pushed me to my corner, making me cry my eyes out over everything I've done wrong since the day my parents divorced. I'm sorry I have weaknesses."
"I'm sorry I can't go to the movies with you tonight to see the premier to that one scary movie you've been dying to see, if I were to go you would of course buy popcorn and chocolate covered raisins and a large coke for us to share, and so I wouldn't make you feel bad, I would have to eat some of it. Then halfway through the movie my nausea would kick in because I remembered I forgot to count the calories and when I grabbed the boxes I saw I was 460 calories over and I would have to get up and say excuse me while holding down the vile in my mouth until I could throw up in the nearest bathroom. Then I would be so weak I would lay there on the tile with people asking if I was okay, because no I'm not okay, I just threw up everything I had just eaten four times over. Then you wouldn't be able to find me and until you heard the gossip about the little frail fawn with the gagging problem passed out on the bathroom floor, you would panic and think someone had kidnapped me. I'm sorry for my disorder controlling the fun we could have."
"I'm sorry we can't spend a day out at the public pool together when it's 100 degrees outside. I would love to go out and enjoy the sun but people would think I'm mental walking around with a sweater on, trying to pull the hem down over my bikini bottoms as to not show my cuts. See I couldn't get in the pool anyways because trust me, chlorine and freshly peeled skin doesn't mix. The cuts are bleeding through you see and I need to go to the hospital but I can't tell anyone so I just say ' I'll just stay under the umbrella chair and read' while you and your friends have fun. I'm sorry for my addiction to pain."
"I'm sorry that I can't Facetime tonight. My panic attacks aren't going to allow me to talk at night because I'm really afraid of the night time because I think too much and I try to keep busy but when I get home from my second job I always have hours left of night left and I can't do anything but sit on my bed and think about all the possible ways I could end it. I'm sorry that my inability to live right disables the ways of communication between us."
"I'm sorry that I can't fall asleep with you on Skype because my insomnia will only let me pretend like I'm sleeping until you fall asleep and then I would have to be quiet while I toss and turn and try not to be too loud when I cry because I am so weak that I can't go to sleep and I know that in the morning when you wake up I'll have to end the call as if we both slept soundly through the night. I would have to get up and raid my stash of monsters and red bulls just to keep myself going while I take a Cymbalta after my buzz is gone to at least get some sleep before I have to go to work. I'm sorry that my deranged mind won't calm down for us to have a peaceful nights sleep together."
The only thing I can give you is gifts in return to say that I'm sorry.
And I know you don't want them,
But you take them anyway, because you're a friend to me,
Even though you want to be so much more,
As I do too,
We both know that with my steadily increasing problems with confidence and emotional instability we could never last a week without me hurting you.
I would love you,
With all my heart I would.
But
I am just not capable of loving myself enough for you to be able to love me without me having to get in the way of us.
I'm sorry I'm so complicated,
And I'm sorry I can't give you what you need,
If you think what you need is me.
-S.S
