Jealousy

Emotions

So I was beaten to the ground... I thought I did so well... I felt that my punches would instantly kill a man, but no they grabbed my arm and I felt a pop in my elbow as they pulled it behind me. I screamed in terror. Whist they smashed my head to the window of the bank... feeling the world blank and a whispering noise in my ear. It gave me an instant migraine headache. Feeling my head crunch and soon being thrown to the floor.

Heavily breathing on the cold bloody pavement...I've never felt so dead... it's like heaven is calling for me to leave this alone time I live in.

" I just want to die now... no one loves me and no one..."

I know now I haven't been myself lately. I know when you often look at me I can see the doubt and confusion in your eyes, or at least I interpret it that way. I also know that you are unsure of what to do or what to say as you watch me drifting further and further away from redemption and the everyday life we usually lead.

I'm feeling this because I find it hard to articulate what is actually going on inside so I say to to the voice in my head instead... then finding out I'm numb abs I can't move at all to express even if I wanted to...My mood shifts on a moment-to-moment basis and although I may appear to be normal on the outside, on the inside I'm being tossed about like a tiny boat on a dark and torrid ocean.

I wish I knew how to tell Angel or Al why I'm feeling depressed but the truth is I don't fully understand myself. I know at times I feel totally empty, as if every particle of my being has been sucked into a black hole. At other times I feel crushed, my spirit devoid of human warmth, and these are feelings I simply cannot control. I often feel exhausted by the simplest of tasks. My body is heavy and my mind is sluggish. I am unable to respond in ways I used to and I know this frustrates them, because it frustrates me too.

I can see how concerned and distressed you become when I cry for no apparent reason. Again, I can't stop this from happening. It's like being stuck on autopilot and things are happening without my input. But what I do know is that after I cry I feel a little better.

I know when they ask me if I still want redemption. I seem unsure how to answer. It's not that I don't want it, because I know that somewhere inside this depressed person I've become, I do want it very much, but depression has robbed me of the ability to show it right now. They may question this and question whether my feelings is real as I'm acting differently toward them around me. Maybe you doubt me because I'm not looking at redemption the way I used to, or holding my crush in my arms, or even being interested in my crush sexually. But please know that it's not that my crush don't hold attraction for me... I bet he does... maybe. I don't fuckin know, it's just that I'm finding it hard to connect to that part in me which connects to myself. The truth is, I can't connect to my crush or redemption right now because I can't find a way to connect to myself right now.

This all may seem difficult to understand and I think this is what makes being depressed so hard to deal with. Nothing in my behavior or thinking makes sense to me. I know that makes me hard to understand and sometimes hard to be around, but please stick by me and don't give up.

I am seeking help right now and I am doing what I can to find a way forward through this difficult time. I want Angel... to know that I need you now more than ever, even if I don't show or say it. I need your patience, I need your support, and above all I need your love...Angel.

I feel a tear do down my face....closing my eyes soon hearing a faint high heel noise approach me...

The tall spider provider walks up to me and I feel a light weight picking me up and soon I'm carried off the ground to a place I have no idea to re call.

THANK YOU FOR READING MUCH APPRECIATED NEXT PART COMING WHEN I CAN PUBLISH IT. Apologises for late notice to publishing part 3