Jealousy

Issues

I lie in my mind. My cold bed and my body sore. I feel that my arm is missing... I don't even have one. I still felt the dry flakey tears on my face. Dark and depressed. Looking at the dry blood and the scab and flesh sticking to the blood that is inside the hole.

Poking it with my claw. Feeling the pain from the alley and Niss's pain seeing me doing it. I feel a flashback of a gunshot in my brain.

"I shouldn't have done that..."
I say to myself with a tense whisper.

Sitting up and taking my vest top off, throwing it on the floor with no care and sitting up in my shorts. Looking in front of me my mirror by my desk. Looking at myself. I don't smile and I look like the content, I can't even read myself. I see a blank person In front of me

Nothing is driving me at all, a 24-year-old cat. I can't find a decent paying career because I don't know what I want to do I chose to be with Alastor and then work with Charlie on the side. Only getting £550 from both then not having much of it as I have to pay my dealers and shit... My bad but I have no goals because I don't know where I want to go in life.

I get up and go to my draw...

I've felt like this for years. It was especially difficult in college being around people who knew exactly what they wanted to do. Nobody can help me because nobody understands. Especially college career centres. They couldn't comprehend that I didn't know what I wanted to do and couldn't help me"

I take another split knife and look to the other side of my arm.

I've tried self-help books, motivational videos, etc. and none of them works. They never apply or relate to me.

I start to slice my flesh and my tone starts to growl.

You're watching somebody else BRAG about their success and it ends up angering me more. No, I can't just

"sit down and figure it out"

No, I can't set goals to help me because they're useless without having something to work toward. Nobody gets it. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly have it all figured out as much as I wish I could. I don't know how to and nobody can help me!!

Feeling my arm shake but I don't stop. Dark red blood dropping on the carpet. My breath shortening and my chest expanding as I spill my body on the chair. Growling to the numbness and dribbles of blood infecting my blemishes. I bend over the chair on my back and I hang my head upside down singing a song that comes to my mind. Whispering the words to myself

There's no sunshine...

Feeling my tears fall down my face. I start to feel dead and lost...

This impossible year

Even in the hotel, I have this rage and it's killing me inside that I just want to die once again so if I do again the pain should leave me once and for all.

Only black days and sky grey

My fur grey like the sky. I feel like a fallen cloud desperately wanting to be back up there with no care for what I do. No ken cares anyway. Charlie, Vaggie... Alastor...

Angel...

This impossible year!

I get up and think... Wait I do have something to live for once at least. Grabbing badges and securing my arms.

" Angel... He's a reason I can still be here!"

I get changed and soon feel that I can find a way to have him for myself.

I will capture the spider in a cadge. And I will play with you all day long. Once my enemy arrives... I will shoot the deer dead.

Soon making my way to breakfast. I haven't eaten in a week except I drank my blood. But I didn't want it oozing out more than it would make a scene so I had no choice.

Sitting at the table I stare at the jambalaya. Seeing all the others tucking in and enjoying it like a low life. I take a spoon full and take a bite.

Munching on the food I  swallow and hold in the disgust I felt when eating it

" you okay Husker?" Charlie asks " tuck in it good"

I smile fakely " of course I have. It's very good"

Vaggie looks at me mysteriously whilst the others chat
" you're lying" she snaps.

I slam my spoon on the table and the others see my reaction.

" I have a very high tolerance for gore and blood. I am, like, the perfect horror movie viewer because I do not get scared very easily. I can stomach anything so, as a result, I have watched a lot of really disgusting stuff that I should probably never have seen. And this! * points to the bowl of jambalaya* this is not saying any of that"

Soon I leave the table and fly out of the hotel. Saying nothing else

Later that day...

Sitting on the roof of the hotel I write a message and lyrics whist the rain falls once again. Soon using my wings like an umbrella.

I always feel that my emotions when I go outside are what the weather will be like. Looking at my arms with the badges red and worn out with the pin keeping it together. Looking into my damp book with the water pouring down my pages with the ink falling off the edges.

Dear diary.

I thought, "I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin...

Suddenly I hear a horrific scream and a gunshot in the far distance. Thunder roaring and the sky lit up with the bolt blinding my eyes. Dropping my book opening another page of a song I made when I was Harrison...

Maybe he will hear me sing... Angel loves a singer with passion.

I took a deep breath and started to soak in the rain... I stand tall and look out hearing the guns in the atmosphere all around me.

And who are you?" The proud Lord said...

I start to tear up her not let them fall

" That I must bow so low"

I feel my voice and start to feel its eyes change in truth...

Only a cat of a different coat...
That's all the truth I know In a coat of gold or a coat of red. A lion still has claws

I brace my arms open like a ringmaster and wings out till the maximum press my wet chest out and fall off the roof. Singing with my eyes tight and rain all over my face.

Mine are long and sharp, my lord!

Flying into the village and spotting the criminals of a bank. Landing in front of the landing like iron man

As long and sharp as yours

" oh look lads a cat got out of the bag!!" one looks at me with no care.

I keep the situation to myself and soon see more people arrive with guns pointing at me...

" run little kitty. We're just here to have some money that's all" the leader says staring into my lost soul.

" I'm not letting you steal from others!" I say bracingly

They walk up to me aggressively leaving no space for me to move. Grabbing my arms and attacking me.

" I'm going to kill your cat!!!" He growls in my face

I close my eyes and wait...

THANK YOU FOR READING PRT 3 coming soon!