🔞5EX🔞

Periods of absence

🧐AUTHORS NOTE: *** Triple stars denotes start and end of flashback or memory ***

Apparently two days have passed since Christmas Day and what they are calling a PTSD related anxiety attack at the moment.
PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder!!? Not me! I'm not in the army, how can I have PTSD?
Stupid people....... I was just overcome at the thought of going outside, the dryness of the room air became too much and my throat closed....... it was an environmental response, not PTSD..... not anxiety! I'm not weak minded, I'm strong!
I came through a nightmare with Harry and built a life for myself, a good and happy life that I love. I'm not stressed, or traumatised. How dare they question my sanity.

How do I get out of here, and what exactly is this place?
I thought it was a hospital but I've come to notice that there are no nurses around, I haven't seen anyone but for Daisy and the 2 or 3 forgettable faces who bring the cheap inedible slop that serves as food here for me to ignore day after day. I am hooked up to a drip every night to keep me hydrated which I don't care about. Daisy has said that if I don't eat by the end of this week that 'they' will have no choice but to apply to the court for a right to force feed under the 1983 Mental Health Act, something about a duty of care, I'm not sure and frankly don't care. They can just do whatever they want, I have given up. I haven't gotten out of my bed since I collapsed, not once. Not to wash, not to eat....... not to pee or poo!
I know I'm disgusting, I know that I could ask for help if I needed it, or get up alone if I tried, but I just 'CANT'. Physically I can, but emotionally...... no....... I don't care enough about anything to try.

Another day, so another visit from little Miss Shinyheart! Urgh!

"Hi Sydney, how was lunch? Anything take your fancy today? Oooh, chocolate sponge and custard, my favourite!" She sings, in that genteel but ultra condescending way that makes me dizzy with rage!

I want to take her head and smash it into the pudding with so much force that the bowl breaks in half, one of the sharp shards piercing her cheek just below the left eye, which now protrudes from its natural position in her socket. I want to hear her trying to scream but in-fact making barely a sound while she drowns in chocolate sponge and custard. I want to see the lights almost go out....... almost!

*** "The best fun is to be had while she comes round"..........

.......... "TURN HER ON HER BACK!"

......... "AH FUCK, YEAH!!"

....... "I'M FIRST! All you fuckers can wait your turn!"

Then laughter!

Loud, raucous, coarse and spiteful laughter, no element of humour distinguishable.
It is petrifying! ***

This feeling is familiar, the paralysing fear and feelings of impotence begin to wind their way through me like the veins in my body, which feel as if they are now pumping ice water around my body. My mind, which I am finding harder and harder to control by the day, is threatening to draw the shades and turn a blind eye to my terror!

*** "NOOOO" I shriek aloud, striking out at them all as they pull me around, grip me by the hair, bend and twist me into a multitude of unnatural positions and shout vile insults and crude comments about my body.......... ***

When I next open my eyes Daisy is sitting beside me staring intently at my face. Why has she changed her clothes, why is it dark? What's wrong with her face!!?
She can obviously add 'mind reader' to her list of talents because she answers 2 of those 3 very questions with her next breath.

"Thank goodness you're awake Sydney! You've been asleep since yesterday afternoon, almost 30 hours!
How do you feel? Would you like a drink, some water? Do you remember what happened Sydney?"