Be Mine

Dark Past

Red’s POV:

I woke up and could feel someone touching my face. I opened my eyes to see Luke. Right, I came home and he threw me in the shower, then he took me to bed and sang ‘Lead Me Out of the Dark’. I can’t believe he’s still here. Suddenly I didn’t feel very good. I pushed Luke away and jumped out of the bed, I barely made it to the toilet when I threw up. Luke sat on the toilet and rubbed my back. Oh the irony.

“You done?” he asked.

“I hate my life.” I groaned as I flushed the toilet. I stood up to wash my mouth out, but everything got dark and I started to fall.

Luke caught me, “I got you.” He put the lid down on the toilet and helped me sit. He grabbed the mouthwash and poured some in the cap for me, “swish,” he commanded. I did as he said then he had me spit in the little trash can.

“Why ‘Lead Me Out of the Dark’?”

He just smiled, “come one, let’s get you back in bed.” He went to pick me up.

“No I need to shower, I feel gross.” I tried to stand but everything went black again and I fell back onto the toilet. “Ugh, I hate everything.”

Luke chuckled, “I’ll run you a bath.” He turned on the water and made sure it wasn’t too hot. I pulled the robe off my arms and it fell around the toilet. Luke swallowed, but helped me in. I settled in and let my head lay on the side of the tub. “If you need anything just yell.” He started to leave.

“Don’t go.” I croaked. He turned back. “I need you to wash my hair.” He sat on the toilet and leaned towards me, he touched my jaw with his fingers. He looked in my eyes like he was searching for something. “Please.” He hasn’t talked much, which is unnerving. He got up and left without a word. Well I guess he's madder than I thought. A second later, he came back with a cup. I couldn’t hide my smile.

He pulled off his shirt. I swallowed and tried not to stare. I sat up he dipped the cup in the water and poured it over my hair. “You know this would be easier if you were in the bath with me.” it was only a suggestion. I didn’t expect him to accept the invitation. He kicked off his pants and climbed in behind me. Why was he not wearing underwear? I hate him. He squeezed shampoo into his hand and started massaging my scalp. I hummed in content. I wish this could last forever. He rinsed my hair and pulled me into his chest. We laid in the bath silently until the water got cold and I began to shiver.

He got out and dried off and pulled his sweats back on. He drained the tub then wrapped me up in a towel and pulled me out. He stood me up, I wobbled but he steadied me. Then he dried me off. He looked like he was holding his breath. Then he pulled my robe back on me. He then picked me up and carried me to bed. He laid us right back in the position we were in before I puked, he played music on his phone.

He touched my jaw with his fingers again, “you are so beautiful.” He whispered. I blushed. “One day you’ll stop treating yourself so badly.” I gave him a confused look. He smiled. “why do you do this to yourself?”

“I don’t do anything to myself.” This was a lie. I know exactly what he means but I don’t want to tell him about my issues. Ironically ‘Lies’ by Marina and the Diamonds came on.

“don’t lie to me.” he said softly.

“there’s no point in telling you my problems I’m leaving soon.” I looked away from his eyes.

“I think you owe me an explanation.”

“I don’t owe you anything.” I snapped and flinched away from his touch.

“I know you’re trying to hurt me. why would you want to do that to me. I love you and you’re intentionally trying to hurt me, so yeah you owe me.”

He said he loves me, it’s just probably friend love, “you wouldn’t if you know how broken really was.” I couldn’t look at him. I don’t want him to know, I mean I do, but I don’t.

He lifted my chin with his finger and made me look at him, he must have seen the tears in my eyes, “I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that would make me love you any less.”
            there it is again the L word. His eyes looked so sincere, but also very sad, “I jus- everybody always leaves me.” the tears broke free, “ and I don’t know why. They just get tired of me and leave me all alone.”

“baby I’m not going to leave you,”

 I laughed halfheartedly, “yeah I’m leaving in less than a month, you wont have to leave me you can just forget that I ever existed.”

He glared at me, “I don’t think you understand how I feel about you.” He breathed a humorless laugh, “I fucking love you so much. I think I have from the moment I first saw you. And the way you talked about me that day, there’s no way you can say you don’t feel the same. Andi know you’re fucking around to hurt me but it’s fucking killing you too. You think I don’t see the regret in your eyes the next day? I see the way you are when you think no one is looking, I see how sad you are. I think that’s what kills me the most, is seeing how much you hate yourself.”

Oh my god. “I don’t hate myself.” I sat up shook my head. “I just…” I don’t know what to say. “fine you wanna know why I’m so fucked up? You wanna know why I fuck around? I don’t like getting attached. Everyone I get attached to treats me like shit then dumps me like I’m nothing. One day I just decided that if guys could do it to me then I could do it to them.”

He sat up and looked me straight in the eyes, “there’s still something you aren’t telling me.”

I looked at the bed, “you wanna know why I’m so good with handling you when you get mad?” I looked at him, “you’re not the first guy with anger issues that I’ve dealt with.” I looked down again.

“oh my god,” he whispered and had this look on his face like he knew what I was talking about.

“the good thing about you though is that your anger isn’t usually directed at me.” I thought about James for the first time in almost five years.

“Brittany,” his voice was low, “please tell me he didn’t…” he was shaking.

“yeah he did.” I wiped my face, it’s been years since I told anyone about this, the last person I told was Courtney and that was still a long ass time ago. You’d think it would be easier now. It’s not. “I couldn’t do anything right. And being a cheerleader i always had an excuse for the bruises. No one ever asked either, no one cared. He said he was the only one who cared. And he would hit me and when I would cry he would say he didn’t mean to and it was because he loved me,” I laughed humorlessly, “such a cliché.

“But he was all I had. I was a freshmen and he was a senior so he was my way to a social life. But he wouldn’t let me have friends. every party I would sit on his lap and listen to him talk to the guys and if he needed a drink he’d make me get it for him and he’d be hitting on some other girl when I got back and tell me to go home. He’s send one of his friends with me to make sure I didn’t meet some new friends or hook up with another guy I guess.

“I was so depressed. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t get enough sleep, I hated everyone for not noticing. Things got better when he graduated, I found Courtney and we got close and now we live together. But I guess that’s when I just decided wasn’t going to take people putting me down. I became the school slut. I wasn’t James’s silent puppy anymore. And I liked it, I felt powerful and wanted.”

Luke had murder in his eyes, “but you’re still not happy, you’re just less sad.” He words and voice sounded completely different than he looked.

“I’m a whole hell of a lot happier than I’ve ever been.”

He sat up and held my face in his hands, “I want you to be happy.”

“then do me a favor and stop with the I love you bullshit. I can’t deal with it. I need you to not have feelings for me, because I don’t want to hurt you.”

He just wiped a tear away, “let’s just lay back down.” he laid back and opened his arms up for me, I cuddled into him.