Don't Hurt Me

Chapter 20

There's no staying away from Erin, not forever. She finds me in the school halls one day, while I'm walking to fifth period geography.

"So, hey, I want to thank you," she says to me first off, falling into step with me. She's in a cheery mood, which means she doesn't know. Josh never told her.

"For what?"

"For talking to Josh."

I stop abruptly, my shoes screeching against the floor. "What?"

"Yeah, he wasn't happy about it, of course. Still thinks I should butt out of his life. But the fact is you tried. I appreciate that. You're a good friend, Clare."

Oh, she could not be more wrong.

"Look, I have to go," I tell her quickly. Guilt is growing inside me, choking in my throat. Who knows if it might somehow find a way to show? "See you, OK?" I melt into the crowd before she can stop me, and after a while, I'm able to relax.

But the guilt isn't gone. It sits in there somewhere still, refusing to be ignored. I am an awful person. I betrayed a nice girl. I'm scum. Alex was right. I'm the one that went down to that house. I was practically asking for something to happen.

It doesn't seem like Erin will ever find out about it though. Josh has obviously chosen to keep his mouth shut, and I'm not about to start confessing either. So this must be it then. This is the end, the point where everything between Josh and me is over.

That afternoon, I ride home with Sam. Rob is out on a date with Mona. Great. My super shy brother, hardly the coolest kid around, is on his way to hooking up, and here I am, still thinking about a guy who's taken.

I want to get over this crush, to get past this part of my life. But Erin doesn't make it easy. She says hi to me all the time, makes small talk when she can, asks me to hang out with her and Holly and Tasha.

Which I never do, of course. I don't have the cash, plus she's the last person I want to spend time with. Or second-to-last maybe, after my dad. She's a reminder, and I don't need that.

One day at lunch, I make another stupid mistake. I'm walking towards my usual table in the cafeteria, food tray in hand, when I happen to spot Erin and Josh. The two are seated across from each other, talking quietly. Josh is frowning and nodding, while Erin looks animated about something. I watch the way his lips move, the way he tilts his head as he looks at her, and something clenches tightly inside me.

I'm staring at them, I know, but I can't help myself. And then, out of the blue, Erin turns her head in my direction. I'm not quick enough to look away, and she starts waving.

"Clare! Sit here with for us a minute, will you?"

I shake my head, trying to escape, but she stands up, gesturing and starting to draw attention. "Come here! I need to talk to you about something."

'Something'. Like what? What could this possibly be about?

Reluctantly, I trudge over, hovering. Josh doesn't look at me as Erin removes some books from a chair so I can sit.

A few tables away, Alex has her eyes glued to us, a worried expression on her face.

"We were just talking about you, Clare," Erin tells me.

Uh oh. What does that mean?

"Oh, really?" I ask carefully, shooting panicked glances at Josh.

"Are you seeing anybody right now?"

"Um ... no. Why?"

"Well, Josh and I were thinking - well, there's this guy. He's a friend of mine. We think you'd really hit it off - "

"Erin, no," I cut her off.

"Oh, come on, just hear me out."

"Damn it, I said no," the words come out a bit loud. I shoot to my feet again - I've barely even warmed the seat - and walk off.

I can sense how stunned they are behind me. What the hell? It's bad enough having Erin trying to set me up, but Josh? Was he in on this? What - is this like his way of trying to push some other guy on me so I'll forget him or something?

God! So what if I don't have a boyfriend? I'm not so pathetic that I need other people to set up dates for me.

Am I?

"Are you OK?" Alex asks as I join her, practically banging my tray on the table. "What happened?"

I tell her the story, and she makes a thoughtful face. "I'm sure she was just trying to be nice."

"I know," I groan. "But it's just insulting."

"Are you sure you don't wanna think it over? This could be your chance to show Josh you're over him."

"But I'm not over him."

"I know that, Clare. But he doesn't."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Alex. I'm not going on any blind dates, period."

The next time I run into Erin, she stubbornly tries once again to talk me into the idea. Suddenly I'm beginning to understand what it must feel like for Josh, being nagged at all the time. I know she means well, but it's really not her place to go around imposing her opinions on people.

"What part of 'no' do you not understand, Erin?" I yell at her in the middle of a crowded school hall, too frustrated to control myself anymore.

The hurt that flashes over her face washes all of the anger away though. Right then, I feel like a jerk. I want to take it back, say I'm sorry, but she runs off before I can get the words out.

I stare after her retreating back. Kids are standing around, frowning at me. A deep sigh rises, slipping from my lips. I'm lusting after Erin's boyfriend, and now I've just shouted at her in front of a dozen kids. I'm an awful person.

More than she knows.