Don't Hurt Me

Chapter 44

After Erin has calmed down and feels well enough to go home, Mr. Caruso sends her home. Alex and I turn in, although we cannot sleep, of course, and stay up in bed, still talking about what happened.

"I'm really pissed about this, Alex," I tell her.

"I know. I feel sorry for Erin."

"Yeah, me too. I can't believe Josh. How could he do something so stupid?"

"Who knows? Maybe he was just being a guy. Let his ego get the better of him."

"Do you think Erin will forgive him?"

"Maybe."

A second of silence.

"You don't like that, do you?" Alex realizes.

"What?"

"That this probably won't break them up."

"Yeah, you're right. I don't like it."

She breathes in carefully. "Clare … I understand how you feel about Josh, but it's not right for you to want the two of them to break up."

"Alex, it's not like that. It's not that I'm jealous. What I meant was that I'm surprised that she would forgive him for something like that. I mean, would you forgive him?"

She thinks carefully about that. "I don't know."

"He could've gotten himself killed. Or her. Both of them even."

"Wow. I thought you were crazy about him."

"I am. But this is some messed up shit, you've got to admit. Anyway, I'm not the one who needs to figure out if I should give him a chance. It's Erin."

"Her and you both, Clare."

I narrow my eyes. I've liked Josh for such a long time that it's strange to be angry at him. No … it's more than that. I'm disappointed. I thought he was better than this.

The next day, at school, I keep an eye out for him. Today is Friday, but I decided that even if I can't find him today, I will get to him somehow, even if I have to go down to his house.

Lucky for me, though, waiting and careful scanning after classes pay off. I'm standing near the entrance when he emerges, head down.

"Josh," I call, and he stops, lifting his chin. The sun on his face exposes a crescent of purple around his left eye, and a raw, torn lip. I blink at his appearance for a moment, then squint coldly. "Well. You must be pretty proud of yourself."

He stares at me for a couple of seconds, his brows furrowing. "I'm sorry. I think I missed the start of this conversation."

"I know what happened last night."

"What?" He's shocked. "Erin told you?"

"Mmhmm."

"What did she say?"

"She said a lot of things about you, none of it good."

"She's giving me the cold shoulder today."

"I don't blame her."

He bristles. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You have to ask? You could have gotten in serious trouble, Josh."

"I did it for her."

"You picked a fight."

"I was standing up for her!"

"She never asked you to."

He stops, gazing at me in disbelief. "You're on her side?"

"Yes. I am."

"I don't believe this."

"Believe it. Why would you do something like that, anyway? What were you trying to prove?"

"What does it matter to you, Clare? I mean … it's not like you're my girlfriend or anything."

"You're still mad about that?"

"Yes, I'm still mad."

"Look, this isn't about you and me. This is about you and Erin."

"Then why are you talking to me?"

"Because she's my friend."

"And you're not mine?"

"I don't know anymore, Josh. All I know is, at the rate you're going, you don't have to wait for something to happen to your grandparents for you to end up alone. Pretty soon, you'll end up in jail or dead."

"Hey, I snapped, OK? It happens. Of all people, I would've thought you would understand."

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember Derek?"

I stiffen up at the mention of him. "That was different."

"Oh, really? How? You were mad at him, you hit him. I was mad, I did the same thing. Where is the difference, Clare? You tell me."

"The difference is I'm not proud of what I did. But you – you don't seem to feel bad about what happened at all. You don't seem to think you were in the wrong."

"I guess I don't."

"Then I guess I'm done talking to you." I whip around, jogging down the steps. My heart is pumping anger, and my face feels hot. Josh has never talked to me this way – so bitter, so sarcastic.

Is it possible that he's just acting out because he's hurt? Is it possible that this is all really my fault, that the argument between us somehow started all this? I hate the thought, but on the other hand, a part of me feels like this was for the better. I never wanted to face that Josh has a dangerous, violent side. I wanted to believe he wanted better for himself. But he's just like all those punk kids. He's just like … my father.

That night, at Alex's house, we give Erin a call.

"How are you doing?" I ask.

"OK."

"Talked to Josh today?"

"No. I totally avoided him. He tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't hear him out." I hear a forlorn sigh. "And now, I don't know what's going to happen."

"It's really up to you, Erin."

"I do miss him, Clare. I really do."

"Is there a but?"

"But I still feel like I can't trust him anymore."

I know how she feels. I wish I can tell her so. "Did you tell your family?"

"No. I kind of want to decide what's going to happen first before I talk to anyone. I didn't even tell my friends."

I stare at the floor, biting a nail. It's funny, but I have no idea what I'd prefer to happen to Josh and Erin. A part of me was always hoping and waiting that they'd one day break up, but now that the possibility is here, it doesn't seem to matter to me anymore.

Could it be that I'm actually getting over him? Was this what it took?