The Only

Life Is Like A Boat

Joohyun's Perspective:

What is it like to kiss someone you love for the first time?

As someone that has never kissed, loved, nor been loved in return, it's a ruminative question that has an unrelenting grasp upon my psyche. Really, what is it like? Setting aside the fear, the doubts, and the regrets that may arise in the future, the warm feeling of shared affection understood by a mere touch seems like it's always beautiful. Everyone I once asked had said the same thing. But it's now, as I watch one of the stupidest webtoon-inspired movies on the planet, one that Mrs. Rinoa and the rest of my film class is so psychotically obsessed with, it really put the idea of romance and relationships into perspective. It's the exact opposite of reality, so I do take notes from it. It might as well have a preface saying, "This contains everything you shouldn't expect!", but I guess that's a given. Besides the fact that it's utterly fake and scripted, love is nothing like the movies or the television shows. There're few that get it right, but most of it is bullshit. And I don't need to be in a relationship to know that; it's rather blatant.

They make it seem so simple when it comes to love; that it's all about the tension, and the longing, and the pursuit, and all the other unrealistic aspects that it portrays. Those are just a small, small part of a greater whole because what happens when you finally reach it? What happens when it's already in the palm of your hands, the exciting pursuit comes to an end, and the intoxicating tension fades?

Love is layered, unexpected. It's so frightening but like everyone else, I want to experience every part of it—the ups and downs, the highs, the lows.

Am I already on my way?

I inwardly scoff at the thought.

Who am I kidding?

I sigh aloud, halting myself from thinking further. Both exhausted and confused, I bury my face into the palms of my hands, only hoping that this bothersome feeling would leave. My mind likes to fill itself with hopes of the future and its many possibilities, but I know the truth. It's unhealthy to think this way, isn't it? And to feel my own heart inevitably begin to change and warp itself somehow doesn't come to a shock to me. Or is it possible that it always stayed the same? Had those feelings laid dormant in the farthest corner of my heart and mind until I saw him, again?

Feelings are unpredictable and random.

Feelings change and evolve.

Feelings are... weird.

Because what are these 'feelings', exactly? What does it all mean? Is it a phase, a foolish crush, a developing attraction, or something much more?

Whatever it is, it's confusing me. If I were to be in control of my own heart, I'd dislike it. I'd get rid of it. Hell, it's only natural to love it; to crave it. Where should I even begin? It feels limitlessly beautiful and enticing. With every subtle touch and unwavering glance, it lures me in further, throwing me into this revolving door effect of the what ifs.

He could be engaging in a separate conversation, and no matter what, I'm unable to dissuade my eyes from gravitating towards him like moths to a flame. The only thing at fault is my heart, but sadly, that's something you can't control, is it? But whenever his dark eyes lock with mine, I notice the way they've gradually become a little gentler each time. That's what feelings do; they make you aware of everything the other person does, but are they what I think they are?

Nonetheless, because of that—because I'm so aware—I was able to distinguish when he was having a good day to when he was having a terrible one. He didn't have too many bad ones as of late. Maybe, he's just a good actor. Maybe not. But this morning, it was clear that something had gone awry. Perhaps it was the sheer blankness in his eyes that worried me. They were devoid of emotion, seeming empty, lost, and grey. It was reminiscent of the past and the way he used to act. That scared me further.