The Only

At Dusk, I Will Think of You

"I still can't believe you started the project without me," I said to Joohyun, my voice slightly muffled from pressing my cheek against my arm. You have no idea how much energy I was exerting into hiding the tiredness in my tone.

Yesterday, while Joohyun was running around, jotting down orders, and doing the many duties of a hardworking waitress, I pulled up a few textbooks and skimmed through some related topics. The goal was to search for reliable sources online. I mean, it was the perfect plan to get started on this research paper. Gathering most of the information to finally write this stupid thing is the least I could do after not meeting up with Joohyun the day before.

Then, after giving plenty of effort and time into constructing some sort of outline, I concluded it was all for nothing. Yep, my worst nightmare. As soon as I pried open our shared document on my laptop, I wanted to pull the hair out of my scalp. No exaggeration there: I was that frustrated. Little did I know, after spending half an hour clicking through a billion websites and scribbling down needless information, Joohyun had already started the damn thing, managing to get a good bulk of the work done! She hadn't even bothered to inform me of her progress beforehand. Nope, not a single mention of it at all.

God, doesn't she know the meaning of a paired-up project?

No one does the work by themselves.

Finding out that she did more than a quarter of it made me feel like absolute shit.

"I'm sorry, okay? You weren't around." Joohyun's going to use that excuse, huh? That just makes what I'm feeling ten times worse. She shouldn't be apologizing—that's my job, despite already doing so yesterday, and repeating it this afternoon.

The day that I hung out with Rose, there was this undeniable feeling that practically shouted it was the worst decision ever made, let alone stupidest. Of course, it had nothing to do with her; she's a nice girl.

Thing is, the whole time I was there, I couldn't shake away those pestering thoughts of dismay, bugging me with the reminder that my choice was just plain wrong and inconsiderate.

And, it was.

Joohyun may have not explicitly thought of it that way—she'd beg to differ, just so I wouldn't feel too terrible about it. All day, she's been trying to convince me that everything's okay, although I don't believe her due to specific reasons. But it's evident that helping Joohyun on our project was extremely more important than being stuck in the music room with another girl, hearing her practice a song for her upcoming competition. Oh, and don't ask why I agreed to meet with Rose on that day when there are many others because the answer's a fucking mystery.

Instead, where I truly should've been is with Joohyun to help her ease the weight of stress sitting upon her shoulders, like I said I always would've—to myself and to her. It got so bad—that bothersome feeling—that I felt incredibly uncomfortable the longer I stayed, and I just wanted to leave; to go to Joohyun; to make things right because I knew that my choice wasn't.

It's clear that guilt and regret was making itself prominent, doing a great job of eating me alive. Those feelings proceeded to drown my thoughts for the rest of the day going forward.

For some reason, as I took a trip to the plaza for coffee then walked home, I had this weird sensation that Joohyun was upset. It hit harder—that strong burst of guilt and regret—once I remembered that I hadn't sent her a message to assure her of my plans. Leaving Joohyun hanging was the worst realization because I didn't want to give her the impression that I'm unreliable or that I didn't care. Even as I managed to shoot her a text too late in the afternoon, just to let her know, to apologize, and provide some alternatives, I can still feel that she wasn't okay with it.