Grieving The Death of an Immortal Person

Chapter 3

TW: panic attacks, referenced past abuse, intrusive thoughts, minor injury, minor blood, skipping meds, unhealthy coping//

These past weeks have been an absolute wreck. But everyone is… managing. Or at least, Rurik assumes so. The last three remaining group members have been absolutely silent. Rurik rarely opens the group chat, he tells himself it's because no one has said anything, but the last message begs to differ… maybe that's why everyone has been so quiet… There's just a new, unspoken rule, he guesses. Often, when he does open the chat, he finds that he's reading the message for longer than normal. 

   The Wine Aunt™

 We gotta meet up again lol. We can do like dinner or something? I don't mind cooking, just lemme know :)

   Jun 21st 2:38 pm

  Everyone responded in a separate chat, looking back on it, Lotus seemed really tired that night… it would be a week or two…

   "Yeah, don't worry about it. Just didn't get much sleep last night. Y'know how it is" Lotus laughs it off, no one thinks much of it… 

but looking back on it, one night of poor sleep doesn't leave someone trembling, doesn't leave them swaying… What was it about hindsight? Rurik rubs his eyes, before everything, he never really seemed to notice everything… But now it's so obvious. So many signs that went unnoticed for too long… back then it just seemed so unimportant… Rurik wonders if maybe someone had stepped in sooner, would Lotus still be here? If he'd stepped in sooner… 

   "You're sure that you're doing ok?" He asks, Lotus shrugs, he looks really exhausted, "just been caught up in stuff… sucky part of DT, I guess? I don't know… don't worry about it, ok?" He gently cups Rurik's face, "I'll be alright. Just in this dumb funk haha" 

 He should have stepped in sooner. He shakes his head, and reminds himself that there was nothing he could've done. But what if there was? No. He shakes his head again, taking a deep breath. He couldn't have done anything… Lotus was good at lying, right? So it couldn't be anyone's fault, it's not his fault… right? 

   He focuses on the dishes, he just needs a distraction. He's been needing more of those . He's been finding it hard to not think about all of the bad things… he's done… That's probably why Lotus didn't trust him. He scrubs at the plate in his hand a little harder, taking in more deep breaths. He couldn't trust you. Another deep breath. You couldn't step in, because he didn't trust you . Maybe if he scrubbed a little harder- you hurt him, why would he trust you with something so personal? Not like you've cared much before. 

   The plate slips from his hands, he tries to catch it, but it hits the floor and shatters. He's breathing too hard and fast, he can't focus on anything- did he take his meds today? He tries crouching down to pick up the pieces, but ends up just plopping on the floor instead. 

  He can't breathe, and these intrusive thoughts are getting louder. He couldn't trust you because you hurt him. You hurt him. You . The person he was supposed to trust. He had to watch as you lifted that knife. He had to watch as you hurt him. You hurt him even after he trusted you. But he didn't mean to. You were cruel to him. You didn't care, so why now? You couldn't save him. He needed you. And you failed him. You broke him, and you didn't do anything to help fix him. Rurik tried to cover his ears, as if that would make it so he didn't have to hear all of this. He didn't want to think about this.