More often than not, grief is messy. You don’t get to choose how easy it’ll be to deal with, or how long the process will take. Some people may become reclusive, or more commonly, depressive. Some may become more manic, in the mind's attempt to process grief, many will choose to take up a few coping mechanisms.
It’s the first time Rurik’s visited Lotus’ grave. It’s covered by a small make-shift tent to cover any of the lit candles. The more he stares at it, the more it feels like a shrine, candles and coins litter the top and bottom of the stone. There’s a few knocked over vases so he works on fixing those, but then he returns to awkwardly standing in front of the grave again. “Welp.” he says, as expecting to hear Lotus laugh at his awkwardness, but he’s greeted by silence, with a sigh he looks around, not much to distract yourself at a cemetery… what was he supposed to say? Not like anyone would answer.. Or is that the point? Fuck it, “You’re a real dick, y’know that?” was that right to say? It didn’t matter, “You leave us behind, and then what? What are we supposed to do? You thought of everything else, so why couldn’t you fucking think for two seconds what you were going to put us through?” He hisses, and a part of him feels guilty for being angry, another part of him feels like Lotus probably would’ve encouraged this, which also makes him feel bad. “Gods, you didn’t even give them a warning. Why didn’t you think of them? Of Goth, of-of Palette, or Geno? Fuck, Mikey- you really hurt her. She hasn’t been home, and I can’t blame her! You fucking prick.” The words fall in heavy heaving breaths, he scrubs away tears, frustrated at the lack of response.
“Ah, wrong time.” Rurik yelps, before turning around to face a blonde girl, holding a bouquet of flowers as well as a lighter. “No, um, you’re uh, you’re good.” he says quickly, stepping out of the way, she smiles nodding her head. “Y’know, I thought your eulogy was sweet.” She says, Rurik coughs, “Oh, um, thank you.” She laughs, “Sorry if I interrupted your visit. I’ve been coming out here to uh, to relight the candles and replace the flowers.” She stands up, turning to face Rurik, “Sorry, my name's Sam.” she held out her hand, Rurik takes it, “Um, Rurik.” “Ah, so you’re this is what you look like” She says, tapping her chin, Rurik gives her a look, “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, “means ya don’t look like I pictured you. Lotus always talked about you.” Sam explains, “Kinda expected you to be a lot, uh, bulkier, and taller, for some reason.” She laughs, Rurik finds himself laughing too. “He talk that much shit about me?” “Oh yeah. Dude, they told me almost all of it. I thought I had boy troubles, but jeez! That one was full of trouble.” She laughs, “But, he talked a lot of good too.” Rurik rolled his eyes, before looking back at the stone.
Sam sighs, “Y’know, i thought the same thing when i first came out here, I thought it was bullshit that he’d left without saying goodbye… But that’s Lotus for you… Gone before you can say goodbye, or sorry.” She says, looking at the stone, Rurik looks at her, “How long have you known him?” That was a good question, right? Sam chuckles, a smile on her face, so Rurik takes that as a yes. “Since he was eight. I was ten when I met him, taken in by the same gang.” She says, looking longingly at the grave, and there’s so much behind those emerald green eyes, like there’s so many stories coming bacl to her, “When I heard the news, I was shocked, to say the least. I mean, how does one not be, right? I just- I didn’t want to believe I was reading that right, that I was reading the name wrong, but here we are.” She explains, Rurik looks at the stone, “here we are.” he agrees, she chuckles again, “Yeah, y’know I remember when we were younger, he came to me with a book in his hands, I learned that he knew how to read pretty damn well, haha, I didn’t think an eight year old could read anything college level, not even I knew how to read half the stuff he did, but he’d always show me the books anyways. He’d show them to me, then talk for hours about the contents, from math to magic, Lotus would always be excited… I miss that. I miss seeing that toothy grin and hearing that little laugh of his…” She sniffles, carefully wiping away tears, and Rurik feels a little more guilty, but he chuckles, trying to keep the mood light, “Yeah, sounds like him” he says, “he’d always be reading, and then writing, they’d always take notes like there was some test they were studying for.” Rurik says, though he supposes Lotus was studying for something, all of these little memories keep connecting, and Rurik hates it. He hates drawing these connections because he wants to believe that for a moment, Lotus wasn’t living in paranoia, that they weren’t planning their death. “Yeah, haha, that kid was always learning something…” She smiles, before turning to Rurik, “Y’know, a few of Lotus’ old friends, myself included, are holding a little goodbye ceremony in two weeks, it’s a small get together, just like he wanted.”she gestures to the stone fondly
“It’d be a crime if I didn’t invite you.” Sam says, Rurik hums, “Sure, where’s it taking place?” he asks, Sam hums too before grabbing her phone from her pocket, “Gates pass, there’s a small lake we used to sneak off too all the time, we’re planning on meeting up around ten pm.” She says, Rurik nods, “Alright, yeah, I’ll uh, I’ll try to get there.” She smiles, and Rurik leaves her.
Sometimes it’s easier to cope with people who were close to the deceased. The want to be isolated is normal, but it’s important that we don’t get too isolated. We should allow ourselves to connect with others who are feeling a collective sadness: Intro to Cumulative grief.
He decides to make one more stop today, his truck parked in the front yard, Rurik steps on the porch of Goth and Palette’s house, with a deep breath he knocks. There’s a few moments of awkward silence, before the door clicks open, Goth startles, before clearing his throat, but all Rurik’s focused on is how horrible Goth looks. The smaller is paler, and almost gaunt, “Oh, Rurik, I uh, I didn’t know you were coming over.” Goth says, voice hoarse, “Oh, uh, yeah sorry about that, I um, I meant to text you, I thought I did, but uh, I must of, um, forgotten.” They stand there awkwardly, “So, how’ve you guys been holding up?” he asks, Goth sighs, “Rurik what are you doing?” he asks, “Uh, I’m visiting? Checking in on you two? Since no one heard from you guys in a bit, wanted to make su-” “We’re fine. You can go home now.” Goth says, and goes to close the door, but Rurik stops him “Wait! I- um, listen I wanted to apologize to Palette, for what I said um, when everything happened. Is he around?” Once again Goth looks away, into the room, before back at Rurik, “Rurik, what you said was fucked up-” “I know that, but I’m trying to apologize.” He says again, Goth rolls his eyes, “Go home Rurik. He doesn’t want to see you, Palettes stressed and overwhelmed as it is.” and with that he shuts the door. So much for that goal of the day.
Cumulative Grief is described as when an individual experiences multiple losses all at once or before processing an earlier loss. It is important to note that grief doesn’t stop at death. Grief is when we experience a loss of sorts. Multiple instances in which an individual may lose something or someone may pile on to each other, and the individual experiencing this kind of grief may find themselves wondering how much they can truly deal with.
See page Four for Coping mechanisms, and ways to combat individual losses at a time
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Grieving The Death of an Immortal Person
FanfictionLotus dies and Rurik struggles to cope. (No Cover yet.)
