𝗙𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗗 | bucky barnes

4: When it's confessed

It's not a lie, Bucky thought, lying on the mattress that night, staring at the ceiling.  It's not a lie, only a secret.

But Bucky's constant pleading with himself didn't make it go away.  Bucky, of all people, knew that if you kept a secret long enough, it became a lie. 

There were only two realistic choices.  He would tell her, or he wouldn't, and just not see her anymore.

He didn't want to be her friend if she didn't know.  Because he knew eventually she would find out.  It's not a very private thing.  If she looks up his name on the internet, it'll be the first thing that shows up.  Bucky Barnes is the Winter Soldier.  Bucky Barnes, once silent assassin.

He had to tell her.  One way or another, he would have a friend, or he wouldn't.  Taking the risk was the choice he wanted to make.  Had to make. 

Today in the market, Cat wore her hair down, and a baseball cap over her eyes.  She had to go out, she only didn't want anyone to recognize her.  Bucky did, of course.

"Morning, Cat," he said.

"Shh, Bucky!" Cat looked up at him and rolled her eyes.  "Trying to lay low, here?"

"Sorry," he shrugged. "I get it."

"Oh, you've had to run from the government before?" Cat asked jokingly.

"Um, yeah, actually."  Bucky wasn't joking.

Catarina eyed him, a little confused. "Really?"

"Um..." started Bucky. "Do you want to go into that alley?"

Catarina knew he was being serious now.

"Let's go."

They walked across the street, heads down, then turned swiftly into the alley between the two buildings, just like they had done yesterday.  They walked deep enough in that no one could hear them from the outside. 

Catarina quickly turned around to face Bucky.

"You're going to make a confession, aren't you?  Just like I did?"

Bucky took a breath.  "Um, yeah."

Cat smiled comfortingly.  "Go ahead."

"I, um, didn't really know if I was going to tell you this or not."  Bucky bit his tongue.  "I haven't — uh — I haven't had a friend in a really long time.  And I, well, I didn't really want to destroy it.  But you probably would've found out anyway.  So I'm... um..."

Bucky took a deep breath, then swallowed.

"You've already started, you've got to finish," said Cat.  "It's okay."

"But I really don't think it is," he said. 

Cat was quiet.  She waited until he was ready.

"I don't even know where to start."

"Start at the beginning," said Cat.  "I've got time."  Her back up against the wall, she sunk down to sit on the floor.  Bucky did the same. 

"You know, um, World War II, right?"

"Of course I know World War II. You don't have to start all the way at the beginning."

Bucky took a deep breath, again.

"I died in World War II."

Catarina didn't say anything.  She only looked at him, confused.

"Have you, um, ever been to the Captain America exhibit at the Smithsonian?"