Please don't leave me

Chapter 3

Writers POV

In the OR

Amelia looked up and saw Bailey in the galerie. "Hey Bailey, how is Derek doing?" Amelia asked as she tried to stop the bleeding in Meredith's spine. "He's good. Went to see the kids." Bailey replied. "I'm glad he is doi-" Amelia was cut off, when she heard that Meredith's pressure was starting to drop. Amelia was about to react to that, when Meredith went into V-Fib. "You have to shock her Amelia." Bailey said. "I have to turn her around to shock her but if I do that, she will never walk again." Amelia replied nervously. "The Baby's pressure is dropping." The OB told Amelia. "You have to shock her Amelia. '' Bailey said. "I know. Turn her around and charge the paddles and Bailey please tell Derek nothing about it. I have to do this okay." Bailey nodded. After they turned Meredith around they shocked her. At the first shock. Nothing. Second Nothing. "The Baby can't handle this anymore. She is going to lose it." The OB said sadly. "Shit." Amelia yelled. "Shock her again. I can't tell my brother that I killed his wife." They shocked her again, but that caused Meredith to lose her baby. "Stats are coming up again." The anesthetist said. "Turn her on the stomach again please." Amelia said quietly. "Bailey, can you please inform Derek what happened?" Amelia asked. "Also about that she is paralized from now." Bailey nodded sadly and went to the waiting area.

Dereks POV

I sat in the waiting area, when I felt a twitch in my heart. Something is going wrong. Something happened. I felt tears welled up in my eyes, then I saw Bailey walking towards me with a sad expression. No, that can't be right Meredith has to be alive. I can't live without her. I need her. "Derek?" Bailey's voice ripped me out of my thoughts. "She is dead, isn't she?" I asked with a small and broken voice. "No, she's alive." She replied. I breathed in relief. "But Derek, there's something I have to tell you." She said quietly. I looked at her confused. "Meredith coded once, so Amelia had to shock her. We had to turn her around, so she is-" "paralized." I cut her off. Bailey nodded sadly, but there was more. "Derek, she coded and we had to shock, we had to shock her three times, it was too much stress for the baby. I'm so sorry." Bailey said with a broken voice. My world stopped. "She lost it?" I asked. Bailey nodded. "Oh my God. She lost it." tears were streaming down my face. "And she's paralized. How do I tell her that she lost a Baby again? How do I tell her that she can't be a surgeon anymore?" I asked. "I don't know Derek. Be there for her." I nodded. "Is she still in the OR?" I asked. "Yes, Callie is about to repair her breaks." I nodded again. "Can you send Amy to me? And no I don't give her the fault I just need my sister." I said. Bailey nodded and went to find Amelia. I took out my phone and dialed one number. The only one who could help me right now. "Mom?" "Derek, how are you?" she asked. "I don't know right now." I replied. "Derek, what's wrong?" She asked. "Mer and I were in an accident." I heard her gasp. "I'm good mom. Just a torn achilles but Mer isn't doing good, mom." I said with a trembling voice. "Derek, what happened to her?" "We're driving to the airport..." I told her everything until what happened in the last couple of minutes. "She coded on the Table while Amy tried to stop the bleeding in the spine. They had to turn her around and shock her. Now she's paralized and she lost her baby mom. She lost a baby again." I cried. "Oh my, should I come down?" She asked. "Maybe, Zola and Bailey would love to see Nana again." I smiled a little. "Okay Derek, I'll be there tomorrow okay? Talk with Amelia about it. Okay?" She said. "I will be Mom. Call me when you are at the airport please." "I'll Derek. Love you." "Love you too Mom." I said when I hung up the phone. "Derek?" I heard a quiet voice and turned around. "Amy" I said as I went to her and hugged her tightly. "You're not mad at me?" She asked, almost scared. "No, why would I be mad? If you hadn't shocked her, she would be dead Amy." "But now she's paralized and lost your baby." She cried. "I know. We lost our Baby." I choked at these words. "But at least she is alive. That's all what matters." I mumbled. "Derek, how do you tell Zola and Bailey that their mom can't walk anymore?" She asked. I pulled away from the hug and sat down in the chair again. "I don't know. I didn't thought about that. How do I tell them that their mom will never be able to soccer with them, or chase them." I began to hyperventilate. "How am I supposed to tell them that? Mer will feel guilty about the baby again." I cried as I rested my head in my hands. "What do you mean again?" "Meredith had an miscarriage once. The day I was shot. She found out in the morning and lost it at noon. She told me a month later. She went through this all alone and now she has to went through this again and she has to accept that she is paralized. I don't know if she survive this. I mean she is strong, I know that but this. That will be very hard for the 4 of us." I replied with a broken voice when tears were running down my cheeks. "Derek, I'm always here to help you with everything. Maybe you should call Mom?" She suggested. "I already did. She will be here tomorrow." "Good that's good Derek." Amelia replied. "Derek?" Callie asked when she reached the Shepherd Siblings. I stood up with the help of my crutches. "Yes?" I asked almost scared. "I repaired her breaks in her leg, forearm and popped her shoulder back in place. She'll be okay Derek." Callie said. I scoffed. "No, she will not be okay, when I tell her, that she lost her baby and that she is paralized and has to give up her job which she loves." I snapped. I looked at Callie and saw her soft expression. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have snapped. Sorry. Where is she?" I asked. "It's okay Derek. She is in Neuro-ICU." I nodded and went to the ICU. When I reached her room I gasped in shock, tears welled up in my eyes. Meredith's small form looks even smaller in the big ICU bed. I sat down beside her and took her good hand in mine. "Please wake up Mer. I need you, our kids need you. You have to wake up. It's my fault if I just stayed here. If I just drove the car, then I would lay there but not you. You don't deserve any of this. I failed you. Why do I always fail you? I'm so sorry Mer. So sorry. I called mom. She'll be here tomorrow. She'll help with Zola and Bailey and the house." That's when it hit me. I have to renovate the house. I have to make it perfect for her, so that she can reach everything with the wheelchair. I laid my head down on her bed and cried. I don't know how long I just sat there and cried. Suddenly I felt a hand on my hair. I looked up and looked into her eyes. "Oh my God, Mer you're awake." I said happily. That's when I realized that she didn't breathe on her own. I paged Bailey. "Hey Mer, everything will be okay." She nodded the best she could and closed her eyes again. Bailey and Amy came into her room. "Hey, what's wrong?" Amelia asked. "She woke up for a few seconds. She didn't breathe on her own." I said nervously. "Maybe her body just needs the rest Derek. She'll breathe on her own in a couple of hours." Bailey replied. I nodded and set back down on the chair next to Meredith. Bailey and Amelia stayed in the room as Meredith woke up again and began to choke. "Hey Meredith, everything will be okay. I'll extubate you now. You know the drill." Bailey said camly to Meredith, which tried to nod. After they got the tube out I stood up and looked down at her. "Hey Honey. How are you?" I asked as I gave her a cup of water with a straw. "Tired and Sore." She replied. "Derek?" She asked, shocked. "Yes?" I replied. "Why can't I feel my legs? Why are they numb?" She asked scared and nervous. I looked to Amelia and Bailey, who nodded and left the room. "Mer, you're paralized. You coded, while you were in surgery and they had to shock you, but Amy wasn't finished with the bleeding in your spine, so she had to turn you around and shock you, which caused your paralized legs." I replied sadly. Meredith looked at me in tears. "I'm so sorry Honey." I said. "Is the baby okay?" She asked. I inhaled deeply and looked her into her eyes. "No?" She asked quietly, tears were welling up in her eyes. "The Baby couldn't handle the stress. I'm so sorry Mer. So, so sorry." I said while tears were running down my cheeks. "NO. It has to be alive. It has to be. I can't lose another Baby. I can't. Derek. I can't lose it again." She cried. "I'm so sorry." "Stop saying that Derek. It's my fault. Me and my hostile uterus. I hate it. I HATE THIS." She yelled when she began to hyperventilate. "Mer, I need you to calm down please. Deep breaths." I said as I tried to calm her down, but it wouldn't work. Suddenly her monitors made an annoying sound. I looked at them and saw that her oxygen stats were dropping. "Mer, you need to breathe. Please breathe." I said as I pulled an oxygen mask over her face. "Can't breathe." She stuttered. Bailey came running into her room. "What happened?" She asked. "I told her about the paralysis and the baby, then she began to hyperventilate. Bailey what is happening?" I asked scared. I looked at Meredith, who was struggling to keep her eyes open. "Mer stay awake. Please." I begged but Meredith closed her eyes and Bailey yelled at me. "Shepherd, we need to take her to the OR." I nodded numb and leaned back into the chair, when they wheeled Meredith out of her room. I had to realize what just happened. "I can't lose her. I can't." I whispered to myself as Alex came running into the room. "What happened?" He asked, scared. "Her lungs collapsed. She is in the OR right now." I said to him. "Yeah I know that. I mean why is she here?" He asked. "We were hit by a semi. Meredith's side was hit." I said quietly. He nodded and sat down next to me. "Hey Karev, how's Winnie doing?" I asked. He looked up to me in shock. "We helped them before we got hit." I explained to him. He nodded. "She's doing very well. I think she's with her mom right now. She told me about how two Doctors helped them." He said to me and I smiled. "You good Shep?" he asked me. "I just need her to be alive." He nodded. "What are her injuries?" He asked. "She has a dislocated shoulder, broken forearm, broken leg and she had a bleed in her spine. Amelia tried to fix it but-." I couldn't bring the sentence to an end. " But she couldn't fix it?" Alex asked. "She could but Meredith coded on the table so they had to turn her around to shock her and now she is paralized and..." I couldn't finish it. "What?" "And she lost her baby again." I added quietly. Alex looked at me in shock. After a few seconds he squeezed my forearm and I nodded. "I'm so sorry Derek." I nodded again. That's when Meredith was wheeled back into the room, not intubated this time. I looked confused at Bailey. "She breathed over it, right after the surgery." She explained and I nodded. Took her hand in mine and stroked it gently. "Page me when she wakes up." Alex said to me. "Okay. See you later." I replied. Alex nodded and left the room. "Oh Mer, why always us? Bad things happen to us all the time. We can get a break." I said quietly. I looked at her face. She looked peaceful. I kissed her hand gently and rested my forehead on it. That's when I felt a little squeeze. "Hey Mer, take all the time you need." I said to her quietly. "I love you so much Mer." "I love you too Der." A small voice replied. I looked up and saw Meredith straight into her eyes. "What happened?" she asked. "Your lungs collapsed. She nodded and turned her head away from me. "Mer, please don't shut me out okay?" I asked. She just nodded. I sighed. "Do you want to see the kids?" I asked. She shook her head. "Okay. I'll page Alex to sit with you while I go to see the kids okay." She didn't reply. I sighed and paged Alex. A few minutes later he stood in the door. I went over to him. "Can you sit with her while I talk to the kids?" I asked. Alex nodded and sat down next to Meredith. I was on my way to Daycare when I bumped into Maggie. "Hey Derek, how are you doing? How's Mer doing?" She asked. "I'm good. Mer not so much. Hey, could you help me to bring Zola and Bailey into my office, I have to tell them something." I asked. "Yes, of course." I thanked her and we went to the daycare. "Daddy." Zola exclaimed when she saw me. "Hey Princess, do you know where your brother is?" I asked. Zola pointed to a table where Bailey was. I looked at Maggie who nodded and went to grab him. "Zola, we have to go to my office for a bit. I have to tell you something." I said to her and she nodded. Maggie came back to me with Bailey in her arms. "Daddy." Bailey said, I smiled. "Hey Big guy." I said as I kissed his forehead. "Okay come on." I said as we went to my office. Maggie sat Bailey down on the couch and Zola climbed next to him. I thanked Maggie before she left the room again. I sat down in front of them. "It's about Mommy." I said. Zola looked at me with big eyes. "Mommy will no longer be able to play soccer with you two or chase after you." I said sadly. "But why?" Zola asked. "Zo do you know the feeling when your arm is sleeping?" I asked and she nodded. "Mommy has it in her legs but hers will not go away. She can't walk anymore." Zola got quiet. "She can't play with us anymore?" she asked. "No Zola, she still can play with you, but it's harder now." Zola didn't understand but I think once Meredith is home. It will be better. At least I thought it would.