Shit I Think of Off My Porch

Things I've Shared with the Moon

January 5th 2021 9:16 PM
I feel like I'm going to shatter some days, like there's too much pressure from multiple different angles of my life that I just can't really explain it. I don't know who to reach out to when my thoughts become so clouded or so extreme. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time and honestly it's easier to just smile and go with it. I feel stuck, and I know I haven't been diagnosed with any kind of depression but I don't really want to seek out and prove if something is wrong with me, you know? I know I have a major illness with eating and that's "great" but being tested for depression along with already being diagnosed with an eating disorder.. and then going through the process of treatment again- I just couldn't handle it. Like I'm fucked up right? I'm a mess and I can't even do simple things. The last couple of events that have happened with loss I didn't even know them that well, why should it be affecting me? Or even if it is, is it just an excuse? Am I blowing this out of proportion, or is it actually another problem. But am I really going to have someone diagnosed me to find out- I don't think I want to know. The days have been kind of blurring for me, I don't really find joy in things that I do anymore. I haven't thought about actually dying but I feel like I want to sometimes. Or to just be locked in a dark room so I don't have to deal with anything happening in my life. I don't want people to worry, I was even debating on telling you this- like if I say "I don't want to make others worry" why am I even saying this? Maybe to just vent? I'll probably just type this all out and not send it. I'm finding out that I lie a lot. Like when I say it's ok or something. I guess I'd rather say how I feel instead of something actually being done about it. Because it just means more work, more problems, and especially being treated like I dont really have a problem but I'm being questioned and monitored and all the things I'll be told.. or asked.. the shame and pity that it will bring. "The illness is better than the medication" I hate having to live with myself. But I guess I'm only at the point where it doesn't out way the fact of making others worried or that it would hurt them.