Sparks Fly

week 4

I can't cry. Doctors don't cry in hospitals. It's unprofessional and bad. Even if really sweet seventeen year old girls die randomly. Why did I decide to become a doctor? Who would willingly subject themselves to this feeling. She shouldn't have died. She was doing so much better, she was even planning on going back to school, but now she's gone and I feel like curling up into a bawl and never moving again.

So that's what I am going to do. I walked into Derek's room and immediately climbed into his bed. I'm pretty sure he is trying to say something to me but I'm just going to ignore him. I placed my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him and sat there quietly as the tears slowly fell from my eyes.

"Hey Mer?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Yes?" I sniffled.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"No." I said as more tear fell out of my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly and kissed the top of my head.

"My patient died." I responded.

"I'm sorry." He repeated as he shifted so that he was hugging me.

"Just- yesterday she was doing her math work. She wanted to be an artist but she was planning on going to school for economics because she said she liked money. But on her math binder she had drawn out the word 'tragic' on it. And today she's dead." I sighed.

"What did she die of?" He asked.

"Leukemia." I replied.

"It's always hard losing a patient." He said rubbing my back.

"It shouldn't be." I said.

"Yes it should." He responded.

"No." I shook my head. "I shouldn't feel this way every time I lose a patient. This is my job, I should be able to stay professional."

"If you don't feel this way after you lose a patient, that's when you know you shouldn't be working in this field." He responded.

"What?" I asked.

"You have to care." He said.

"I do! I do care about my patients." I responded.

"I know you do. That's why you feel this way. It means you are doing your job right." He said.

"This job sucks." I whispered.

"Yea. It does some days. But some days you get to save people and it makes it all worth it." He said.

"I wish today was one of those days." I sighed.

"Me too." He responded.

"Maybe I will become a really really good surgeon and I will never have to deal with this." I suggested.

"I- I'm sure you're great but that seems unlikely." He responded.

"You're a downer." I said.

"Maybe." He sighed. "But you want to hear something good?"

"Yes." I said.

"I found a place to live when I get out of here." He said.

"Really?" I grinned.

"Yup. I just have to call someone to set it up." He said.

"Did you get a house or an apartment?" I asked.

"Neither. I got a trailer." He responded.

"What?" I looked up at him with wide eyes.

"I bought a trailer." He repeated.